Finding the silence within
when surrounded by
empty of noisy thoughts
This is the struggle
Finding the silence within
when surrounded by
empty of noisy thoughts
This is the struggle
breathing soft air
and ascend behind flashing eyelids
from egos gravitational lure
Climbing over yesterdays clutter
a wraith rising
through the worldly walls
to wander upon higher plains
drifting in dark spirals of space
tiny bits of astral dust
I shine and hover
as humming of the cosmos
levitates me till
the end of time
Weathering a storm
floating on a yoga mat
deep below the pressure
The careening dervish slicing bits
protruding from parts long ago
in shards, scattered
around a weighted form
marking the image: a murder mystery
Who was this person
lying heavy upon the shores of then?
caught on the updraft
and spewed from the cone
find her unrecognizable
The devastation blew heavily
over the solitary shape
silently still upon the floor
What life remains
when hit head on
and looking at the world
For those of you who regularly following my blog and have been wondering and care, I saw the orthopedic doctor today about the tear in my rotator cuff. He showed me the MRI pictures and it is a pretty decent injury.
He had me do some movement with my arm and saw my pain level and mobility. Luckily I have been an athlete for so long because I have good musculature around the joint to compensate. Plus I’m stubborn and tolerate pain well.
So he said for now I can get away with a cortisone shot to decrease the inflammation, which is causing the pain. Plus he gave me some exercises to continue strengthening the arm. He also told me what not to do which is just as important. Guess I’ll never be a swimmer again. Unless I get the surgery.
And they’ll be no doubt that I will know if it tears completely because then the pain will be excruciating and I won’t have use of the arm. Ok, I get it, no lifting heavy objects.
Funny, being an athlete probably hurt me in the long run too, causing a lot of the injuries to the arm. But it has protected me too. This is somehow ironic.
But I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot for now and won’t be laid up for months! And in the meantime I’m working on becoming ambidextrous!
Last night I had a dream about an old boyfriend. Our relationship was odd and rocky–just like much of my life during those years and many of my years prior to my move. It gave me pause, and I began to think about it while doing my yoga and meditation.
During my meditation I had a sort of vision. One gets in a rather trance-like state at times, and I guess I was ripe. In my mind I saw a shadow woman walking during a dark, stormy street. There were trees blowing, lots of rain and dark blue. But in the distance there were these footprints that were illuminated in the darkness: a path to follow. They lit up as this woman was ready to see them.
I wish I could paint, because I could see this so clearly in my mind! It seemed to encompass where I have been and where I am now.
My past so often felt as though caught within a dark storm, with my paths unclear and being battered by the debris coming at me. Walking in the gray left me weak and hungry for the light, but my eyes had become unaccustomed to seeing it any longer.
But somehow I reached the eye of the hurricane–the calm place and from there was lifted out. Those moments allowed me to find the golden footsteps, those brightened by my own need and will. It seems as my eyes adjust, another appears….
So as I follow them out of the tempest and into garden, they may fade into the sun itself. And then it will have to be something else that guides me I suppose, something from within–then again, maybe that something already does….
How is it that I sit in my room and meditate
–while you run through rubble as bombs drop?
How is it that my belly is full
–while yours growls with hunger?
How is it that I get into my car to return a library book
–while you board a boat which may take you to your death?
How is it that my children are safe and happy
–while yours may never live to see tomorrow?
What sleight of hand, moment of destiny
–gave us these roles?
You running away, me on my daily walk
You desperate, me detached
Yet I know you
For it is only circumstance that makes us different
But it is that difference
That changes everything
More hopeful day…here are some good things that happened:
***For those of you following my H&R block saga, I called the main customer service number for them and I will have some resolve. The woman I spoke to said she had never heard of anyone being charged such an exorbitant amount of money to have their taxes done! So she set me up with an appointment somewhere else and we will do an amendment to fix it. Also, they set up a case number on that particular branch so I may file a complaint against them. Someone will be calling me to investigate my claim. Hopefully they will find others who have been gouged the way I was and close them down!
***My yoga/meditation room seems to have stopped leaking for now. While it doesn’t smell too great (and won’t until the rug comes up and we repair it), it was dry enough to actually do yoga in there today! I sprayed it will a bit of fabreeze and perfume and it was tolerable. It was joyous to be back in there none the less.
***It was warm today (in the 30’s!!), so I was able to get outside and knock down some of the major icicles on my roof! This was very hopeful. That was so worrisome–they were huge and I was so afraid they would pull the whole roof down. I saw a 30 degree day in next week’s forecast—dare I hope the end is in sight??
***I spoke with some friends today (a new one too) so that is always great on a winter day.
***Contemplating the future…hopeful and happy. Good days ahead.
As dawn quietly seeps through the window
It’s blue light seen behind the vessel-like trees
Peering at me
I raise my arms to the morning sun
In salute to a new day
Praising the earth’s beauty
On my yoga mat
The peaceful island floating in bliss
Branches stretch towards the heavens
And I look there too
Mindful of those who have come before
In the amber of the room
I sit in meditation
Praying for joy
Hoping for healing
Asking for forgiveness
And giving gratitude
My window of blue light
Opens out forever into a world
Of golden love
As I was in the shower today I had one of my epiphanies. Having just done my walk, yoga and mediation–I suppose I was ripe for this moment to come flsahing into my brain, especially since I have been sharing some thoughts recently with a very special friend. They revolve around meditation actually, how we get to that special state we so often hear about of complete inner peace or contemplation that the advanced masters teach. But our conversations are also centered around spirituality: what we as individuals chose to practice, what resonates with us and how we relate these practices to our world.
I am a complete novice when it comes to meditation, having only been at it a short time, and almost never seeming to be close to any kind of place I’ve heard. I’ve read books, articles and listened to talks about how one quiets the mind (not an easy task for this ADD/OCD girl) of all thoughts to help attain the path to a meditative state. This then, as I understand it, carries over into daily life as an inner calmness one can draw from when necessary. For me, with so many thoughts flinging around in my head all the time, it becomes quite a chore to chase them away, but there are methods to help with this, the prime one being coming back to the breath.
My practice is to do my yoga, and maybe a walk and/or run first to prepare my body prior to my mediation. From what I have read, this is not uncommon. The yogis often use yoga as a way to ready the body to get into the meditative state. This made perfect sense to me today while I was in the shower.
Yesterday, I had a very small break through while mediating. First, I did it longer than I had ever done it. While I was doing it, for a brief moment, I began to sense a noise in my head–not the usual whoosh I sometimes hear in my ears, but almost a musical noise. I can only describe it as a note or tone that sounded as though it was cosmic or celestial or earthly. And then there was a light. Again, not the flashy lights I normally see behind my eyes, but this was something more, something deeper and more brilliant. And then both were gone as quickly as they came. And the thoughts were drifting back in and out and I couldn’t get back to that place.
I told my friend, who has been mediating far longer than me, and he told me he had never experienced anything like what I had described. Today in the shower I thought about this fact. This is when some things came together for me. He does not practice yoga prior, nor does he do much physical in his life. While he is an extremely spiritual person, he does little for his physical ‘temple’. He has some medical issues due to diet also.
Years ago I was an avid athlete running 60-70 miles per week, doing marathons, running races a couple of times a week and speed work too. I ran myself ragged and to injuries. I was a vegetarian and thought I was taking care of my temple, but in a sense I wasn’t due to over doing it, plus my spiritual self was neglected completely. Now, though, I am much more balanced about my athletics, more careful and mellow. While I still workout every day to be healthy, I don’t hurt myself any longer. I take care of my body and am careful what I eat and my spiritual practices, while very personal, they are also vital to my well-being.
There is a third piece of the puzzle necessary, I believe, to be able to reach this state of nirvana and that is to have love in one’s heart. I certainly didn’t have it back in the day, but am attaining it more and more as the days pass now. Trying to have it on a daily basis, even for difficult people in my life is a challenge. And hopefully I will have it in a big way soon.
So what I see is a balance of these three things: spiritual awareness, the healthy treatment of one’s physical temple and keeping love in one’s heart in order to truly be able to reach a state true meditative state of nirvana. This bliss, this letting go of ego and thoughts is not easy for us in a world filled with sounds, sights, desires, greed, lust, food, money and all that tugs on us. For me it is something I am having to learn, to breathe and to dig deep within myself to still my soul.
But that one moment of cosmic music I heard followed by the flash of the light showed me there is something worth following that is way bigger than me.