The Edge


In my experience as a blogger I have been upset and bothered enough to stop only twice. Today was one of those days. Today I felt like I had a Facebook experience honestly, not my usual warm and friendly ‘community’ feeling of the blogging community.

I made the mistake of commenting on a blog recently and was rewarded with a barrage of answers from the blogger, and someone related to her, that was…well, more than I bargained for shall we say. It left me stunned. The thing I commented on actually, if found anywhere else, most likely could have been considered edging very close to a hate statement (in my opinion anyway)–and that is why I commented on it. I said something far more tame than I could have in fact.

In most instances what I saw on the blog, and might have been seen elsewhere, might have been taken down on other sites as offensive. It certainly was to me. But WordPress seems pretty lax about things. They don’t monitor much. And, worse than that, they don’t allow us the ability to block harassing people. So we must endure their comments, no matter how mean they get–self-righteous as these people think they are.

WordPress feels this is an open forum so buck up. Take it. And if you can’t, get out of the game. Make your site private (which can be very tricky).

Well, I guess I understand. But I don’t have to play.

I’ve been thinking for some time about a break anyway. The ideas have been coming hard. One of my favorite bloggers told me maybe to stop writing every day. This seems like a good idea. I just had my five-year anniversary on the site. Five years seems like a good time to try something different. So I may just write when the mood strikes me instead of forcing it all the time, every day.

Sometimes the Universe directs you a certain way. That blogger that won’t go away has directed me. If she won’t go away, then I will–at least now and again. So I say to her: thank you for helping to push me towards this decision that has been hard to make. You tipped me right over the edge…

Just Right


“In the right place, under the right conditions, you can finally stretch out into what you are supposed to be. ” — Lab Girl by Hope Jahren

 

How long do we wait for the right place and the right conditions? It may seem to some of us that we take a long time to stretch out; that we spend much of our lives contorted and bursting apart just to come together again. I have.

The right conditions seem to involve some sort of special magic; a particular brew that mixes together to concoct the spell where the microcosm in which we move feels easy and the skin that we wear no longer needs tailoring.

Some folks that we meet seem to have been born with this magic as they whirl around with the twinkling Universe hovering nearby. But most of us aren’t so lucky. Some of us seek it, but I see now this maybe isn’t how it works. It may be more like how a seed turns into a tree. It’s just dumb luck. It just waits encased in its shell until all the conditions are perfect and then bursts forth into the world.

But most don’t get this far.

Maybe I’ve just tried too hard to make everything happen. Can I be more like that seed? Just quietly sitting on the forest floor gathering the magic conditions to crack me open. Will I be one of the lucky ones?

And once I am that wonderful entity, crawling with life and fluttering with each breath of wind, my roots firmly reaching in all directions: then I will know I am who I am supposed to be.

Duck Rap


There are days where it seems obvious when the universe is speaking directly to us. There may be crazy things like a bird flying into our head,  which happened twice to my friend recently when a crow dive bombed him. Or maybe a group of ducks just walks right up as though you are a member of the family. No fear, just friendly carousing. 

Maybe it’s the fact, try as I might to apply for jobs, nothing is happening. 

I’d like to believe that instead of it being for the wrong reasons, there might be a more important one. And that these odd occurrences have significance beyond nature having fun. 

It could be a wake-up call to pay attention to things we’ve ignored. A rap on the head as a reminder or the group surrounding you if only you take the time to stop.

The universe provides plenty of advice, it’s simply up to us to listen. 

The Music Of The Universe


Lately, in keeping with all the inner work I’ve been doing and with the great changes coming out of the last few years of my life, it has naturally moved me back to the more spiritual side of myself. In my past, the spiritual plane was almost equal to the plane in which I lived on a daily ‘normal’ basis. This meant I often felt very in tune with so much more around me and on a much deeper level: people, animals, the natural landscape and of course: the mystical.

Then, the course of my life got in the way, and this beautiful and magical part of my life slipped away  without me really noticing. The spiritual habits that I had practiced left me; all the ‘unexplained coincidences’ that would so often pop up joyfully in my life seemed to disappear and life just became a dull and routine existence.

Like so many of us, the tether to the unknown–to that thing beyond us–(call it what you may), isn’t always there unless you are really looking or open to it. Many just don’t believe, being simply too rooted in reality.

But we all have our own scopes of what reality may be. And I know that my reality had encompassed many things which could not be explained by scientific or simple explanations. You just had to be there to understand. To have faith in the powers and energies that flow. And I did.

So the time has gently begun to seem right, bit by bit, to reemerge within my spiritual self. To put back on my garland crown and flowing robes and step back into the circle once again. And I feel my power returning like an old friend. It was just waiting for my call.

My dreams have been full of visions, visitations and clarity. I use a dream book that I have to help interpret them and I’ve been writing them down in my journal, along with other long and inspired thoughts about my journey.

My interactions with people feel more purposeful and I am often drawn into deep conversations on a sidewalk with neighbors. Seeing people now brings me warmth rather than anxiety and I’m happy to share these moments and feel they are all meaningful.

Most things now feel part of my plan, that I am drawing all things to me. Some days I pick a tarot card to see what it might say, and often it will reflect what I have been feeling during my meditation. That nothing is random: I am creating this reality around me.

It has a been a very long walk to this place of inner peace; to be able to shrug off the demon within each time it threatens to claw its way to the surface. And now that I am dancing on my spiritual path once again, my peace is sweeter: for finally  I can hear the music of the Universe with my whole soul.

Poem: Out There 


Subdued and subtle 

Lonely floating dreams 

In the graying hues of mystery 

On the in between 

Of times endless possibilities 

That shifting cosmic universe

Here and there

Nowhere at all

Endings remain different 

The beginning may not be real

Reflection an illusion 

The power of brilliance spilled 

Hitting upon that moment 

Caught 

Slowly it sways 

Turning in only itself 

There is freedom 

And the ever spinning sphere 

Blows out into space 

To be swallowed 

By the cosmic constellations 

Poem : Speed of Light 


What exactly is

The speed of light?

Is light a traveler 

In space 

Tripping through 

The dark universe 

To be seen on

Another side

Turned inside out

In black holes

Spinning tails of comets

Caught in the glow

Of alternate moons 

A hiker

With no backpack 

Making its way 

By the glow

It throws

Permanence


When were kids we expected the world to fall at our feet and for everything to go our way. We didn’t know that were supposed to work at some things to make them happen, or for them to be right because we were the center of the Universe and everything else revolved around us and our needs.

Ahhh, if only it could still be like that……

But, alas, this is not so when we grow to be adults. Unfortunately we learn, sometimes the hard way, that we must work (often with much effort) to make our lives come out the way we hope. The plans may be laid thoughtfully either in our minds, or even very carefully in real-time, and still end being tripped up when they come to fruition.

This may be due to any number of factors: our ‘dream’ may not be what we had quite imagined it to be or maybe some monkey wrench gets thrown in to burst our bubble after our tidy plans were hatched. Either way we can be hit we a huge wave of disappointment, which may turn into sadness, depression or even anger–anything but the joy, happiness and excitement we had been dreaming about.


For me I had experienced something like this with my move from the North where I had been for so many years to the South where I am now. It was a huge decision and took a long time to decide to do. There were many factors that made me chose to come, some pushing me from the northern end, and others pulling me from the south. So when the move finally came: I felt more than ready!

But after I had been here for some months and found myself away from my friends, my home, leaving a career I had for many years, in unfamiliar surroundings–suddenly I found myself second guessing myself. I was scared, down and leaning on my Mom a lot.

I’m not sure what the turning point was for me –when I realized that the world, this place  I was now living in, was not going to come to me. I did know that one reason I came was because I didn’t want to be miserable anymore! It was for change, not more of the same.

So, when I heard on NPR about a book called: “This Is Where You Belong: The Art and Science of Loving the Place You Live” by Melody Warnick and the interview with the author, it gave me a whole new perspective on my dilemma. I have not nearly completed it, but it made me realize that I’ve barely given this place a chance, and that I personally have done nothing to make this place home.


While I’ve been grumbling and seeing all the negative, life has been passing me by here. All the good reasons I came have still been here and I’ve ignored them and focused only on the negative. When I changed my mindset at work and decided to love it there, things got so much better. It seemed time to do that with living here too.

In discussing this with my Mother, who has been my constant companion and confidant here, we decided that buying a condo, rather than renting–could possibly be a better option. Prices are high for rentals and many are such bad options. For me, I know that it’s all about mindset more than anything. Feeling more permanent here and a part of the community is what I may need, rather than feeling like a drifter. So I’m at least looking at a few places. Who knows if it’s possible, but it gives me hope anyway.And hope is a powerful tool.

The bottom line is that a main reason I came was to be closer to my Mom and I am very lucky to be near her. She has been steady when I’ve been unsteady. It’s been hard to express how strange it’s all felt at times, but she’s done her best to understand. She’s my rock and I’m so grateful to have her close after so many years.


So maybe I’m not a kid anymore and can’t have the world falling at my feet, but I try my hardest to make my world positive. And as long as I’m here and have my Mom around, I’ll still be her kid and she does the best she can to make my world the best it can be.

I Miss My Mommy


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Well Mom, if you’re just going to leave me every day, even though I look so sad and pathetic — I suppose I will just have to go find a place to go be alone.

I don’t really want to look at you because I get too sad without you around the house.

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Maybe someday you can find a job so you can be with me more!

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(Mommy puts wishes to the Universe all the time that this can some day be true….)

It’s Pouring!


Oh my goodness–where to begin! All I can think of is clichés:

When it rains it pours!

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The biblical saying: My cup runneth over!

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I feel simply overwhelmed and like some magical hand is guiding my steps. Again something amazing and fateful has happened, and may (I say may) lead me down yet another job direction.

As of yet, I still have not heard the final approval from the hospital where I went and did all the tests. It’s odd because I could have sworn the HR woman told me I would hear by the end of last week?? I even went so far as to call HR, and they said it could take up to 5 days…which would be about today, but still: crickets. Hmmm?

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Now I rather doubt I flunked the pee test. I haven’t been near any illegal drugs since I was in my 20’s (some 40 years ago)–but maybe it’s something else? Or maybe I heard wrong and they aren’t getting ahold of me. Maybe I just show up January 4th for Orientation?

Anyway, today I had decided to email to find out. I literally had my hand poised over the keyboard to compose that email, when my phone rang. It was yet another hospital about a job I had applied to like 26 days ago! The HR woman was checking about my cover letter, and if what I said in there was true. It seemed like fate again guiding me.

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You see, I kind of went out on a limb. For once I threw caution to the wind and came right out and said I knew I was over-qualified and that I didn’t want to be a paramedic any longer. I also said money wasn’t everything, only being happy at what you did every day. And yes, this IS actually true for me. All of the stuff I said.

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This position is a patient liaison in an emergency room in a hospital one mile from my apartment! It’s less money and 12 hour shifts x 3 days per week (compared to 8 hour shift x 5 days), but with patient contact, unlike the other one. Apparently the head nurse did not believe that I truly wanted this position and believed I would get into it and then apply as a medic. But I said no, I was retired as a paramedic. So the HR woman called the RN and told her.

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So I now have an interview for this position! The question will be–IF they offer it–which do I take and will it all fall into place? The timing is all very close!

Of course there are positive and negative points with both. My heart, for sure, is with the new position: with the patient contact, in the ER where my ‘home’ has been for 20 years. But they are both great jobs. I would be happy with either.

I honestly can’t believe how lucky I am. Everyone should have problems like this I suppose…

So stay tuned for the updates. Let me know what you think? The Universe may just well decide for me anyway…

Let’s just hope I end up with one of them at least!!

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The Plan


The time may be drawing near. A deal may finally be in the works to leave my home and move south.
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It’s been a long and convoluted process. Anyone who tells you the housing market is better, doesn’t live where I do apparently! Or doesn’t live in an antique house with character that may need some work. Or may not have 2 years to sell their beloved home. Because these were all the conditions that were my circumstances….
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I don’t live in an affluent area with fancy beautiful homes. It’s just a simple blue-collar neighborhood in a small New England town. Hard working people, used to harsh winters and summers that are way too short. Hence one reason I’m racing south.
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But not the only reason. As many may have read, my Mom is there and I haven’t lived near her for 40 years. It’s time. The warm weather, family, a possible career change and just a whole new bit of scenery is long overdue.

Since where I live only sees about 4 or so really warm and green months though, we had a short time to sell. The snow only really melted in April. So we hit the market in May. I had high hopes which quickly plummeted over the next four months. Too many homes for sale, too many young couples with no money looking for rural development loans. They wanted the world for nothing! I got quickly discouraged and my two real estate agents (the first one didn’t work out) got discouraged with me. I had little patience with them too.
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Our second couple through the house early in the game seemed perfect though. They loved it, had money and, by chance, our neighbor was their best friend. But they had some financial issues to work out. They wanted to rent to own, but I wasn’t ready at first. Now I am.
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While I felt from the start they were meant to get my home, others doubted me, including my first agent. Their love, passion and drive have kept them focused on making this happen. And now I am willing to work with them in any way I can since I have been worn down by the system myself.

The Universe works in its own ways I suppose. Everyone else had some reason why the house wasn’t right. This couple was worried they would lose my place. And I wanted someone who would love it like I did. Hopefully they are the folks.

We will try to hammer out a deal soon and everyone will get what they want. They will get a home, I will get a new lease on life and my Mother will get her daughter close by.

Sounds like a plan!

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