Bring It Inside


Today I did something I don’t often do, but like to do when I can. I went to Church…yes, Church. I go occasionally to the UU…or Unitarian Universalist Church that is local to me. I used to go years ago when I lived in Syracuse, NY and loved it. I loved it for its welcoming and open community. It is an accepting and loving place without emphasis on God or Christianity. This was a comfort to me as I am not a Christian, raised by a Jewish Mother and Protestant Father and coming out pagan myself.

So when I found a ‘church’ and a ‘religion’ that was more a community of liked minded people where I could meet folks that did good things, said interesting things and often had interesting classes, I was willing to give it a try. It was an easy fit, without the religious jargon that so often gave me the willies other places did when I visited.

When I came to New England, my family and I tried the UU Church here. The building was much more ‘church-like’ than the one in NY, having a steeple and pews. This was at first a bit of a put-off, but I decided venture forth anyway.

Honestly, I’ve never found it quite like my NY family, but it has it merits I suppose. I’ve never quite gotten as involved though. It has never grabbed me the same way and even put me off in some ways. As a spiritual person, and one that keeps evolving, I won’t give up hope.

So today, I had gotten enough rest and decided on a rainy NE day, it was a good day to listen to someone say something poignant. It’s always lovely to hear the music also and maybe even meet someone nice. Being single does get lonely, and having a community is something I am trying to find.

This month is ‘inclusive’ month there: including others–gays, disabled, people of color, transgender etc. It was interesting listening to the minister talk about this (and other short talks) while sitting among an all white audience of people all over 50.  I’m willing to bet there were no transgender people listening today (although I could be wrong), and I didn’t notice any gay couples either.

One problem I’ve always had with the UU community, especially the one around here, is that they talk a big game, but don’t seem to walk that talk. One gentleman did mention the fact that we were all white and maybe we should work harder on attracting people of other nationalities. Could be tricky where we live! Hey, I’d be happy to see some young people! Most everyone looked over 70! It doesn’t seem a stretch they could attract younger people with a credo talking about inclusiveness!

So I guess my point is: it’s all well and good to say stuff, but you have to live it too. If you have a credo, don’t just read it every day, but do the things it says! Believe it, feel it, emote it. Whether you are Christian or UU, it doesn’t matter! Or even if you are an atheist–be strong in your beliefs. Get out there and beat the street.

I know I’ve always had a big mouth–my third grade teacher called me chatterbox. Hopefully now I put it to good use. And hopefully my ethics and belief system is one that is based on fairness, equity and equality. I’m not always perfect and catch myself plenty, but I try to take each person as they come. And I always open my big mouth when I feel something isn’t right.

Maybe if I keep going to this UU Church I can help them get more diversity. It’s all well and good to tout diversity within four walls of a church, but we have to take that credo to the streets and bring it inside!

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Ripple Effect


I had a most interesting experience last night. It was my good fortune to hear a very special and talented yoga/spiritual master perform her music and chanting. She led a very large and enthusiastic crowd in a local Unitarian Universalist Church in a very amazing gathering of energy raising and spiritual awakening.

Sadly I missed the first half as my job as a medic called and I had two late 911 ambulance calls. I almost didn’t go, but my EMT partners convinced me to go anyway. I’m so glad I did! I would not have wanted to miss it.

It reminded me very much of an experience years ago, but on a smaller scale, visiting a local ashram. They would have open chanting and meditation sessions. I would go just to catch the vibes and be peaceful. It was a wonderful place just to chill and be quiet–something I always seemed to have a hard time doing.

But the experience last night, was on a different scale. While many there were obviously followers of the same yogi or her practice, most were just like me I’d imagine. That is: seeking inner peace, a sense of like-minded people, finding peace in a sea of world turmoil.

And so I did. While I’ve never been a follower of much: religion, people, authority or the like, I can totally appreciate what comes of a gathering of humans that concentrate energy on the same thing. When that energy is positive, joyful, peaceful and loving, it becomes a powerful tool.

I’ve been very drained and depressed by the world horror, especially the most recent in Syria. The chemical warfare used to kill all the people, so many children, somehow particularly disturbed me. As a paramedic, we learn about what happens when someone suffers from this kind of attack. We learn how to protect ourselves so we too do not become victims. It’s a horrible death.

While I was in the church last night, for the hour I was present, I was surrounded by a room full of people who were filled during those moments with what appeared to be inner light and joy. For those moments, I could let go of my despair for the human race and hope–hope that not everyone feels evil thoughts. That there are many that radiate love and that want world peace just like me.

There was one chant that we were guided to think about anyone or anything that needed healing: ourselves, family, friends, the country, another country, the world, the earth! We all poured our healing energy outward or inward. The mass healing we created was palpable! I personally kept Syria in my thoughts.

Children ran about during this whole night. They were free, yelling, smiling, dancing, singing! No pain, no suffering! It made me grateful. It reminded me there is good too. Good people, good energy, good thoughts. It reminded me to keep hope, to believe, to hang onto to the idea of peace. If enough believe, then it can happen!

And that when many sing together, we all sound like one voice. When many strangers stand all together thinking/feeling the same things then powerful energy happens: so make those thoughts positive! And above all: continue to spread peace and love wherever you go and whatever you do! It has a ripple effect.

Filling My Dance Card


There has always been this weird thing about me, but I am feeling it so much more clearly in my golden years. It’s the dual part of me that is part loner, part socialite. It’s the oddest thing and at times creates great conflict within me.

Sometimes one of these personas claws to the front and that will be the cloak I may wear for a while. If it’s the loner woman, then I feel very at odds if I’m in large groups for some reason. No-one would really notice this, because I always had a pretty good way of hiding this fact.  But I would feel myself draw in on myself, sort of like a movie character fading out of scene. I was there, but not really.

When I’m feeling the opposite, then I literally can’t stand being by myself anymore. I start hunting for connections of all sorts: one on one or larger. My personality becomes bigger than life and when I’m in a group I seem to draw people to me. I once took a test of “How Charismatic Are You” and I scored off the charts. And a friend once told me I do this “Marilyn Monroe” thing where I just turned on the sex appeal-just like a switch. I believe that’s this part of my dual personality.

These two sides clash and so it becomes hard for others to know who they are dealing with at times. Most think I’m warm and friendly. It’s the side I try to put forward. But I really tend to see myself as very comfortable alone, and sometimes even preferring it. It may come from being raised an only child–and a latch-key kid at that! I spent many, many hours with nothing but my imagination for a companion.

As I get older, it get scarier to think about living alone the rest of my life. I have many friends all over the country. I make friends easily and keep them. Talking to strangers is something I’ve always done, maybe because I grew up in New York City where personal space is much closer than New England where I live now. It’s harder to make friends here I find. And definitely harder to find intimacy. Or maybe it’s me? Maybe my need to be alone so much is detected and can’t be incorporated into a relationship?

I would think by middle age most people would need lots of personal time and space? This doesn’t seem like a lot to ask. I’ve learned how to balance my social desires and my “I vant to be alone” moments much better than years past. It used to be that I might shut down or close people out because these times crept up on me.  But now I realize that my need for internal quiet is simply a necessity for me and I can identify them maturely.

In analyzing myself (which I do ad nauseam), I could link the fact that I was abandoned by my birth mother quite young to the fact that I learned to be a loner at an early age. It was a survival technique I suppose. And yet I also had to learn to be social in order to survive within the environment where I was left so people would care for me. So this constant internal juxtaposition has always been at play.

I’m currently in a place, as summer reaches its apex and we plummet towards fall then winter, where I don’t want to be lonely during the cold days. So I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and find a community and make some new friends…hopefully. I’m going back to the Unitarian Universalist Church in a nearby town to see if I can stir up anything. I used to go there years ago, and was a member of a UU church when I lived in Upstate NY. They are welcoming, liberal and socially active. And that’s the other thing: I want to be more socially active. Time to walk my talk more.

So, no more sitting around weekends feeling sorry for my lonely self. Time to take this charismatic personality and step out into the big world (or small town) and say “here I am!” Hopefully the other self won’t come creeping around and try to steal the show while I’m filling my dance card.