Slowing The Train

As I have always taken a holistic (whole-istic) approach to life, so now am I attempting to do so. I had been on a fast train to try to change everything about my life. I’ve been living a fairly unsatisfying and unwell life for a long time. While I’ve had my happy times, much of the past has felt less than joyful. In the past couple of years I’ve been plagued by constant headaches. I have had no clue why they started or how to get rid of them. But I do know they have clouded my every day life.

Feeling poorly puts a damper on ones day-to-day operations, even if one tends to be generally happy. It’s like a cloud is just looming over your head and you just can’t see the sunshine. It had made me into someone I don’t like to be, aged me and pulled my spirits down. I had already been feeling crummy about living here, even though there were things that were positive, this just added to my negative attitude.

So I formulated a plan for change and hoped that would help to blast the cloud from overhead. I hoped I would see the light of day and move on to a brighter future. But what I discovered was that happiness lies within and with my own well being. It all needs to start with me getting well and figuring out what is going on with me. This is the first thing I must tackle before I can move on to anything else.

Feeling ill was making it so difficult to just get from day to the next. When I added on the daunting task of turning my life upside down I found I was becoming a bit panicked. I tend to do this to myself. Sometimes I feel that I only have one speed: hummingbird speed. Sadly I forget that not everything needs to happen immediately and that plans can unfold thoughtfully and carefully without stress and worry. So when I took a deep breath, talked to the person that was helping me with the plans and realized I could slow down–a huge sense of relief washed over me.

The first task is to get well. Before I do anything monumental, I must be 100% healthy physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. And the other thing I reminded myself is: that I don’t have to make a huge change at all if I don’t want to… ¬†Instead I can make smaller changes. Because I do know that change is necessary–this is something I concluded for sure! But I don’t want any changes that will freak me out and make life worse…only better.

So the train I’m on for moving my life forward is now moving much more slowly. It’s like one of those old-time ones that you could look out the windows and see the scenery go by. It’s not one of the new versions that zoom so fast on the tracks like space ships at lightening speeds. I need to live more in the moment and be happy right now. I’ve lost so many people this year and it only reminds me how tender and fragile life truly can be. If I jump on that train that carries me too quickly somewhere I’m not ready to go, then life will just pass me by in a blur. I’d rather just stand on the platform for a while waiting for the right car to come to take me just where I need to go……