Why is it when the two things that should be bringing me the most pleasure and joy in my life, continue to only bring me stress and sadness or allude me altogether? It happens in an indirect way actually, but it continues to be one of the biggest puzzles of the second half of my life.
Recently I made the bold move to invite my middle daughter and her boyfriend to live with me. It was as much for me as for them. They were in a difficult living situation (or so I believed) with his parents, and I needed help with my dogs. My dogs happen to be one of the greatest joys in my life. One would think it would be my three daughters, but actually it’s not. I suppose it should be, and maybe one day we all will get there, but thus far we have not reached that realm.
My dogs–I have three of them–are my constant companions. When I am home, they are with me most the time. I love walking them, talking with them, playing with them and just generally being around them. After my accident, they are who I came home to, even though I had two daughters living in the area. Today, a holiday (not one I particularly celebrate)–the two kids I opened my home to aren’t even here with me. Instead, they are back in the place the complained so bitterly about living in.
It’s a puzzle? I like living alone. I mostly did this to help with my dogs because I hate leaving them all day long. My daughter already took care of them of sorts, but had to use my uninsured car. She and her boyfriend are developmentally delayed and it wasn’t an ideal situation. I felt living here would be better. But now, they are hardly here. So, I’m right back where I started AND I am more stressed because I have two people living here! Ugh.
All people in town cost too much money to walk dogs or to put them in doggy daycare. It’s nuts. And when I think about giving them away, I just meltdown and cry. They are all I have. I just feel at a total loss. I tried to sell my house and move closer to work, but the market wouldn’t allow it. I feel out of control of my life even though I know what would make it better.
And then there’s love. Here’s another thing that I know would supposedly enhance my life. They say having love in your life makes you live longer. I picture in my head just how a loving relationship would go. I can visualize it so clearly. It doesn’t feel like such a quantum leap to have it? And yet, and yet…. It never seems to get there. I’ve tried and tried. No relationship ends well. So I’ve given up. I’ve talked before about how I simply can’t stand all the clichés: “when you least expect it” or “stop trying so hard” or “when it’s meant to be”. Blah. I’m not trying at all and haven’t for some time, and it still doesn’t happen for goodness sake. When I tried hard it didn’t happen either!
That’s not the point. The point is that here are two things: my pups and love–I know they both give value, joy and meaning to my life. And yet the constant dilemma surrounding my dogs causes such a high level of stress in life instead. And the odd fact that I can’t seem to find the path to love just niggles at me a lot. I simply feel like I do a lot of crying and I’m tired of it. Especially since I know what would solve things but I can’t make them happen.
So what does one do about it? I feel like this is an unending loop. And that I tax my friends with this all the time. It’s getting so old. Do I just give my dogs away? What’s the point then? They are my best buds. And I can’t force someone to be in a relationship with me. Sheesh. So on and on it goes. It feels like every solution I come up with doesn’t quite work.
I continually hope for some miracle. Meanwhile, the dogs look at me with those ‘kind eyes’ as my vet calls them. They have no idea how stressed I am. Maybe, just maybe my luck will change.