and the stars
shine down hope
of eternal possibilities
while we sit
on the rim
of this luminous day
and the stars
shine down hope
of eternal possibilities
while we sit
on the rim
of this luminous day
Positive magnetic brightness
a gravitational force
Scraping off the
layers and layers
of ingrown dirt
making way for the
Come into the circle
Drink in the effervescent dreams
Then walk upon
into the world of
Blood and albumin
pulled into a syringe
holding the life force
and skirting extraneous aspects of belief
Dodging a bullet
others take the blow to the head
but come out unchanged
While I fill my veins with The Tempest’s smack
and wake where
I readily admit a feeling of doom and gloom, not just because of yesterday…but life in general has been seeming blah. I’ve been working over-time to keep my spirits up, and during my meditation this morning, my old thoughts crept in. Those dark and bleak thoughts where I convince myself that I don’t know how to be positive for very long, that life always seems to put stuff in my path to make me feel low or lost.
Luckily, I don’t stay in this place very long these days…but it stinks that I go there at all. It seems like a shadow that follows me, on sunny days as well as rainy. It lurks just around the corner, like the crazy man smoking the cigarette by the lamp-post–the one that is a bit scary and mysterious all at the same time.
But happily some good things are happening to get me out of this slump I’m in, thank goodness. By luck, an old and dear friend is visiting. We all know there is nothing like friends to cheer us. Being surrounded by love and those that accept us for who we are without trying to change us is so important as times like these, especially when we are at odds with ourself and questioning our sense of self. For someone to take time away from work and to pay to visit really means a lot to me.
The other good news (although slightly bittersweet) is that my old home will finally close on Monday. It has dragged on for over a year and I’m really ready to be done with it all. In the end, it didn’t turn out as well as I would have liked, and I was probably a sucker. Sometimes I am nicer than I should be and folks take advantage of my good nature. That was the case here. But hopefully I will gain some Mitzvah in the book of heaven? Or I am creating good Karma or at the very least the whole darn thing will be over once and for all.
I will miss that house and all its beautiful memories. This apartment can never compare in many ways: the gardens, the peace, the lake, the woods, the birds, the sunsets…. But its time has passed. And I am so grateful to be here with my Mom.
And I’m so blessed for the friends I have now, who accept me, even when I disagree and speak my mind. They seem to understand my moods, my faults and how I can be different. I am lucky that I can call on them to vent, to cry or to be silent for they will always listen and not judge me.
So even if the world may change in a way I might not like or agree with, my tiny world will stay the same as long as I have those near and dear to me close by. And we will continue to keep our world filled with love, kindness, empathy and compassion for each other at least–and there’s usually some left over for others that may need it too.
For much of my life, especially in the last years, I’ve had a strong longing to want to help people. Yes, in my years as a paramedic I did help people, but that was a job so I didn’t really feel that counted deep down.
It’s hard to express, but I guess a part of me felt called in some way to do more: to give back to humanity or the world in a greater way. My heart always just felt pulled and doesn’t seem fulfilled unless I’m giving in some way or another.
Back where I used to live, I tried a number of times to join volunteer organizations, but lack of time or the unbelievable red-tape (surprisingly) to simply give one’s time to places usually just ended up turning me off. Why can’t someone just help? It was nuts. That happened here too when I called a the central volunteer place. I would have had to take a whole day off from work just to go to some ‘orientation’ to learn to sit with an elderly person so I could read to them? Seriously?
It seems nowadays someone’s good intent gets mucked up with liability and other bureaucratic nonsense that makes it unpalatable for someone to even want to give time. Or the volunteer expectations are too demanding, so it becomes discouraging.
And how does one even decide who is really more deserving of time? What constitutes need in someone else to help them in some way?
Today I had a bit of an epiphany about that very question.
Every day I go to work in a stressful and often unhappy place. It’s filled with overworked folks who complain, grouse about each other and can be extremely negative. They often have crabby looks on their faces, appear tired and run-down, talk about each other and generally don’t always seem to like what they do. Not everyone is like this, but the atmosphere could make Mother Teresa have at least one bad day a week in this OR.
So I thought: these people are in need much of the time. Anything they may have going on in their personal lives (and I happen to know many of them do), is only amplified by their misery at work. The pressure and stress at work wreaks havoc on some of them, even the best of them.
They get hurt physically, they get sick, have headaches, yell at each other, are depressed…it’s a mess. It’s actually quite sad to watch, I thought. It struck me today that this is the perfect place to do some positive work! I needn’t go any farther than my work place to do some good!
Actually, I started a while back by providing a big, huge box of candy for anyone who wants it throughout the day. Sometimes they have a hard time grabbing food in time, so this helps getting a quick snack. I also have a ‘medical’ stash of Ibuprophen, Tums, eye glass cleaner etc.
But the most important thing I am now concentrating on is being cheerful, kind and nice to people–even the most crabby. Taking into consideration what may be going on within their personal lives, piled with work stuff—it can’t hurt to try. I’m also doing a special feature in the newsletter where I will premier one person a month: Surgical Services Star.
No, I’m not going to Africa to save the world or even down the street to a nursing home, but these folks need something too. We are all human beings no matter how big or small our need. Touching someone else’s life in a positive way is simply a ripple that can’t be bad.
There is just so much negativity these days: on the news, on the blogs I read, in our work place, within families, driving down the street… I for one just would like to change it in myself. And if I can help change it in others, then I’ve helped change the world a little bit and I’m OK with that for now.
And maybe someday down the road I’ll change the world a lot.
Today I needed lots of things to happen. It was an important day. I needed to shine for sure, but it’s never a bad thing when the stars are aligned and a bit of luck happens too. I don’t know about you, but I look for signs on days like these. Always have and I’m sure I always will. Today was no different.
As luck would have it, as soon as I walked into the place I was to have an important meeting, I immediately saw someone I knew. Not only did I know him, but I had been thinking of him the night before and wanted to speak with him about setting something up with his Fire Chief and his Department with regards to me joining. Fate! There he was, many miles from where we both lived and was one of the first people I saw as I entered the building. We even had just enough time to talk, about my plan and about the meeting I was about to have as he had been through it himself at a different time.
Then a woman came out to greet me for the meeting and I knew her too! Not that unusual given the nature of the meeting. It’s a small world in my field. And one of the other folks on the panel was someone I’ve known for years also. So it went pretty well and I felt good. I grabbed my coat and purse to leave and looked down and there on the floor I saw a penny, heads up. Ah…lucky penny! A sign for sure. Given it all, maybe I can be hopeful.
In the end we must cling on to the positive. That’s really what it comes down to in the end. Looking at the positives signs in the universe for why things are meant to be. Sometimes signs can be very subtle, sometimes they bang you over the head because they are so obvious. It’s a matter of being open to observing, listening, smelling and using all ones senses. It’s very primeval. We used to have to read the signs to survive, but sadly we’ve lost that skill. We have so many things telling us what to do now. We don’t trust our instincts anymore and need proof of everything.
But we all know there are days that are going to be good…we feel it and all the signs are there. Lucky things happen those days. And some days where nothing seems to go right. I feel we have the ability to change those days by actively thinking about it and looking for the positive things. Sometimes it’s not easy, but it’s always possible.
So I will accept whatever the outcome is from today. I know what I would like the outcome to be and I know I saw a lucky penny and other things happened that showed me that I was on the right path. So I will believe that what I want to happen will happen. And I will continue to envision myself already in the future where I want to be. And it’s good.