Poem: Done


A line in the sand

drawn

a boundary

Standing

looking to the other side

with preservation as a comrade

and inner peace

as the victory cry

Advertisements

Poem: Self Portrait


crazy me

Incarcerated moments

exacting their pound of flesh

She became a softer version of herself

as though the artist had taken a cloth

and smoothed her pastel portrait Picasso edges

Until she was almost

unrecognizable

 

The Bird And The Seed


The Bird had been looking a long time. It knew by now, that when satisfying hunger, one must not give up. There were many others that were hungry too, and not much to go around–that’s just the way it was sometimes, but the Bird didn’t complain. The Bird understood The Way of things, but it also made him strong, willing to keep going when others just gave up. Finding what you are looking for may not be easy, but when you do, it’s sweeter for the trying.

Finally, The Bird landed on a plant. It was a rather flimsy thing, which barely could hold him up. But he had noticed that there on the plant was what he had been searching for: The Seeds. There weren’t many and they were hanging off a thread like stem, one that would never hold his weight, this he knew as The Bird balanced precariously on a nearby leaf.

But the hunger burned in his belly. So close he was to his goal and his journey long. Quietly he sat and pondered his predicament. Every time he moved closer to The Seeds, the more they seemed to get away from him. He moved slowly, but would slip down into the swamp below. He would contort himself, but The Seeds would dip into the waters with every move.

After much time and many different attempts, The Bird was eventually able to manage to grasp hold of a small part of the plant! And now, carefully he drew it closer to his beak and plucked two small seeds to eat. He had partially satiated his hunger and yet…as he grabbed for more–

He slipped! Now he was in the water below and what he had been there for: gone. The Seeds had fallen and plunged into the depth of the marsh and were lost.

The Bird, being the creature he was, simply climbed back up…shook out his wings and contemplated. He did not fret or cry out. It was The Way, after all.

And now it was time to move on…


 

 

Sponges


In one of my karmic lives, I must have been a sea creature–specifically some sort of sponge-like aquatic marine form no doubt. There I was, a mulitcelluar organism filled with pores so the water could just flow through me. As the oceans currents would flow around me, whether turbulent or calm, I sucked up the salty stream going my way.

image
Well, not quite an ocean stream…

Now, in this life time, it appears I continue to suck up most things that float nearby me. The energy that is around me, whether positive or negative, seems to sink into my pores like a sponge out of water. It absorbs into me, even if I am trying hard to deflect it with the best of my defenses: meditation, positive self talk, exercise and simply just being happy myself.

image
This doesn’t absorb water, it explodes with it from build up pressure!

As long as I can recall, I’ve been chided for not have that tougher skin, that shield to bounce the bad ju-ju of others off me. Nope, I never could do it successfully for very long. In fact, many years ago I would actively try to save every soul until (finally) I learned this was a lost cause and slowly ruining my soul.

image
My ruined soul??

But even working hard to create my own bubble–with my absorbent nature–stuff seeps in and I find myself struggling to stay afloat, focused, energized and positive myself. It’s often the chameleon effect. I try to stay upbeat, but it becomes slowly draining and the sponge, more and more full of water, can hold no more. Simply wrung out.

image
Just blending in…..

When being in an environment that is consistently difficult, trying to stay afloat is like treading water to exhaustion. Nothing can float forever and eventually one dips below the surface and, well, disappears. One loses oneself no matter how hard you try.

This isn’t what I want. If I once lived below the ocean, while a beautiful and wondrous place I’m sure, I am now a creature of light. It’s where I belong and am meant to be. Some days I feel like it’s hard to be around others because of their energy…but maybe it’s because I just haven’t found my tribe yet.

Meanwhile, I rejuvenate when I’m alone, work hard not to absorb when around others and continue to keep my head above water following the sun while looking for my island.

image
Ahhhh….peace….someday? Maybe?

The Evolution


It’s been an interesting week. Coming off some emotionally rough weeks, I feel like I’ve done some evolving. I told a friend this and she wasn’t sure what I meant. Evolution when it refers to the grand scheme of life obviously happens at a pace we cannot detect. For me, my evolution I suppose is on steroids in some ways, as I don’t have a billion years to live this particular life, only a measly 80-100 if I’m lucky. So I must do my work as quickly as I can, make the changes I feel necessary and blossom into the new life form that is more adaptable to life as we know it.

Of course, we all know this is easier said than done! I seem to go back and forth contemplating if we come with all the ‘stuff’ inside us that makes us who we are already. Or do we really have the means to change, be better, kinder, quieter, listen more, not gossip and go slower? If we’ve always done our lives a certain way, can we really evolve into a new and better person?

There are so many self-help books to guide us be these better people! And TV shows, and medicines, and psychiatrists and advice from our friends. But to me it seems that what it really boils down to is what is deep down inside of us. Are we happy with our lives and how we interact with the world around us? Are our relationships with people fulfilling and meaningful? Are we finding joy in our every day tasks, our careers, ourselves?

These are the questions that need to be answered before any book or person can help us. And sometimes the answers are hard to come by. The answers change from day-to-day. But if one makes a quiet space in their life, the answers do come and this is when true change follows.

Change and evolution becomes hard to grasp because the outside world has become accustomed to you in a certain persona. It tries to keep you trapped in that person and it is easy to stay trapped there. Even when we may be working hard to shed the skin of the old archetype, if one is perceived a certain way, it is easy to lapse back into that role.

Staying true to the new path one has chosen takes strength and perseverance. And help from special friends and mentors. The serendipitous moments that one has on this journey can be rewarding and beautiful! If one remains open, help comes sometimes where one would not expect it. It’s these moments when one is hit with the sense that the journey is the right one and that around the next corner will be yet another positive step towards enlightenment and self-awareness.

We are never done learning and growing. And I told someone recently, the more I learn about myself, the scarier it gets. But also I am finding more peace too as my inner questions become closer to being answered. I come closer to myself and more comfortable knowing I am OK with trying a new vision for a better me.

Deep breaths, more meditation, thinking more positively and believing that it will all be as it’s suppose to be. Trying more self containment and less controlling every external thing around me. My hibernating during this dark time of winter to evolve into a creature of spring: bright, warm, joyful and full of peace. This is my hope!

Poem: The Road


I am me

And the road here

Has been paved

With ankle twisting cobblestones

It has wound around many bends

And shot off in directions

That I didn’t mean to take

I’ve met strangers along the way

And some I have embraced

Many proved to be false

But some are with me still

The me then

Tried to please hungrily

And I lost myself on the path

The me now

Knows only my inner desires

And crashes my way through

The underbrush into the light!

But it has all been my journey

Down this long road

And without every step

Every encounter

Every diversion

Every bridge I crossed

I would not be the me

I am now

Changing


I’ve taken up yoga. I’m teaching myself with DVD’s which I’m sure most yoga teachers would say isn’t a good way to learn, but with limited money and time, it’s all I’ve got right now. And it’s better than not doing yoga at all! This I know for a fact because the yoga is changing me.

Normally I’m a very Type A person, and while I’m sure that will never completely change, the yoga is helping to keep it somewhat in check. It’s helping to remind me to breathe in the midst of the commotion of my life. And it helps me to be quiet when my head loops with thoughts that won’t settle.  I’m also trying to use it to calm me when my sense of justice has been rankled and I feel myself getting heated. For once I am now just able to let things go and move on without having to let everyone know what I feel about something. Usually anyway.

The changes are subtle I’m sure, but for me they feel monumental.  I sense a clarity within myself that is opening up pathways to parts of me long forgotten. At times I will suddenly recall something from the past and it will hit me like a mental photograph. Sometimes smells are involved or sounds. It’s so incredibly fascinating that it borders on spooky. But I attribute it to what one of the yoga teachers says: surrender. I am surrendering to my subconscious as well as my physical limits and I am reshaping myself.

With this metamorphosis though, I am feeling pushed more than ever to want to move in new directions in my life! In the past this feeling was always more a feeling of discontent rather than a feeling of harmony and expansion. Today I know I am growing and my past life no longer fits who I am.  So many signals and signs keep appearing that point in the direction of movement in my life.  Plus there are so many points of utter contentment that I feel which were never there before, so I know I am ready, awakened and open.

The only part holding me back is that external factors may be at play to keep me from going off in leaps and bounds to a potentially blissfully new life.  The economy keeps so many of us now stranded in situations that we must continue to plod along within. As a homeowner I have a mortgage and a home I can’t unload. Plus I do love my home. It’s also extremely hard to leave a job nowadays and charge off into another one for the same rate of pay, benefits etc. when you have bills to pay and you only have a certain expertise.

I’ve turned options over and over, put my house on the market numerous times and applied for jobs. Nothing has panned out. I keep waiting for my miracle. But I just know I am so ready for something new. I’m finally at that place where it will all come together and I can get up every morning and put my feet on the floor and be happy to be alive and going to a  job that I love.

I’m changing and within that changing, big and small things hopefully will happen. I will make all the good things come to me finally and be the whole person I need to be. And then I will change the world.

Slowing The Train


As I have always taken a holistic (whole-istic) approach to life, so now am I attempting to do so. I had been on a fast train to try to change everything about my life. I’ve been living a fairly unsatisfying and unwell life for a long time. While I’ve had my happy times, much of the past has felt less than joyful. In the past couple of years I’ve been plagued by constant headaches. I have had no clue why they started or how to get rid of them. But I do know they have clouded my every day life.

Feeling poorly puts a damper on ones day-to-day operations, even if one tends to be generally happy. It’s like a cloud is just looming over your head and you just can’t see the sunshine. It had made me into someone I don’t like to be, aged me and pulled my spirits down. I had already been feeling crummy about living here, even though there were things that were positive, this just added to my negative attitude.

So I formulated a plan for change and hoped that would help to blast the cloud from overhead. I hoped I would see the light of day and move on to a brighter future. But what I discovered was that happiness lies within and with my own well being. It all needs to start with me getting well and figuring out what is going on with me. This is the first thing I must tackle before I can move on to anything else.

Feeling ill was making it so difficult to just get from day to the next. When I added on the daunting task of turning my life upside down I found I was becoming a bit panicked. I tend to do this to myself. Sometimes I feel that I only have one speed: hummingbird speed. Sadly I forget that not everything needs to happen immediately and that plans can unfold thoughtfully and carefully without stress and worry. So when I took a deep breath, talked to the person that was helping me with the plans and realized I could slow down–a huge sense of relief washed over me.

The first task is to get well. Before I do anything monumental, I must be 100% healthy physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. And the other thing I reminded myself is: that I don’t have to make a huge change at all if I don’t want to…  Instead I can make smaller changes. Because I do know that change is necessary–this is something I concluded for sure! But I don’t want any changes that will freak me out and make life worse…only better.

So the train I’m on for moving my life forward is now moving much more slowly. It’s like one of those old-time ones that you could look out the windows and see the scenery go by. It’s not one of the new versions that zoom so fast on the tracks like space ships at lightening speeds. I need to live more in the moment and be happy right now. I’ve lost so many people this year and it only reminds me how tender and fragile life truly can be. If I jump on that train that carries me too quickly somewhere I’m not ready to go, then life will just pass me by in a blur. I’d rather just stand on the platform for a while waiting for the right car to come to take me just where I need to go……