Poem: Patiently


I walk in power

my heels lit on fire

and silver curls sparkling

reflecting the full moon

in the eclipse of staring eyes

Quietly I cast my soulful spell

stirred in mystic hope

Desire floats and flits

and brushes up against the unsuspecting

who turn with sugared words

their hands moving sweetly so near

through fairy glamour

Yet this is not the happy ending

for magic knows its course

It will fly for eons hungry

seeking out the perfect story

Until that time comes present

I watch the starry night

with moon beam brilliance

and comet tail flight

for my magic to come home

So when it does

I shall be here

waiting patiently

 

 

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Poem: The Chase


You passed again today

through my wandering mind

your dusty shadow

shimmering in the graying light

I followed among the scattered leaves

that blow with whispers

so near the winds of thought

and wonder where you lead

Yet there is a ray of simmering light

amidst the darkened hollow

that echos in my brain

A day will come

when you shall stop

and slowly turn around

And in this precious moment

my eyes will finally learn

who hides behind the chase

 

Distant Shores


When I was a child, there was an ice-cream that I used to get from the truck that would come to the park near where I lived in NYC. It was the Good Humor truck, for those of you who might remember the familiar jingling of bells as it rolled slowly down the streets so the gathering children could get their 25 cents ready. This particular favorite of mine, was called an Eclair I think, because on the outside it had bits and pieces of nuts and maybe little pieces of chocolate; vanilla ice cream was the next layer which made up the largest part of the pop; but best and most special (and the best part) was the secret hunk of icy fudge-like chocolate inside. It wasn’t very big piece, but it was delicious (or so I recall) and had this particular texture that made it worth the wait.

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I was never a kid to just bite into the thing just to get to the middle. I would savor the whole thing to make it last and then take my time with the special part. Funny, because I never had much patience in life–but with treasures, I did. Just like how I never tore into Christmas gifts, but would open them throughout the day…(my kids hated this about me).

Someone who has known me for a long time, when I explained where I am  emotionally now and how I am conducting my day-to-day existence, said: that is not you at all! It gave me pause. What is me? Who am I really?

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I’ve run most my 60 years in a frenetic and unfocused way; making decisions based on how my mood was or the wind was blowing. It felt like I was making rational choices at the time, but in retrospect, I see now it wasn’t the case at all. Rather I was a sailboat buffeted by the winds trying desperately to steer to the nearest coast. Each shore looked better than the last, but upon reaching them they felt uninhabitable.

Of course this meant those around me were riding those waves too and often were cast overboard. Many drowned, but some found their own lifeboats and floated on to better beaches…thank goodness.

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It was nothing intentional. It just happened– it was the way I lived.But there was a part of me that knew it wasn’t working. Seeing the floundering of others hurt me, and my own inability to stand upright on this ever swelling craft was making me ill. At some point the ship must dock–in the deep recesses of my mind I knew this as truth.

So who is really me? I moved away from my comfort and have come to live in a place that is alien and barren to me, a desert devoid of water in which to sail. This was really unconscious on many levels, but I am starting to realize absolutely necessary to answer the question. Many spiritual treks to find ones true self include a time where one goes off on a quest: a solitary walk about or vision quest to discover what is real and what isn’t; what to keep and what to leave behind.

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We go through life rather like that Good Humor ice cream pop: multi-layered  with secret parts. Sometimes the secret parts are hidden to even to ourselves. There are bits and pieces we cover ourselves with that have rough edges or appeal, but it’s only the outside, a glamour…the part that faces the world at large. Dig deeper and maybe you will get to the soft part: it is white and can be colored by what we take in through the years we live. It protects the true gift: the sweet, central, secret core. This is the one we work for and may not know for years.

I’m stripping down the layers to find that me. I believe that is the real one, not the one that has faced the world so far. That was a mask I was unaware I wore. I believe my friend had it backward…what she knew was not me; what I am discovering now will be the real person I have had buried within. The visions of her were in my head longing to escape, but were trapped by my own shifting cage.

Someday she will be set free and sail for a place, heading into the sunrise.  Docking at some distant land, she will know with full awareness and clarity, that all will be good.

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Return To Silence


What’s the old saying: “Pleasure is 9/10 anticipation”.  Ain’t that the truth! Well, in some cases it certainly seems so anyway.

There are times where we can drum ourselves up into thinking that something will be way better than the reality of what actually happens. Then it can be a let down or a disappointment in some way. Or, at the very least, it can give us a new outlook on our lives, the way we do things or what we may have been thinking about our future.

That’s certainly what happened with the recent visit with my friend. Not that I had built it up into some great expectation. I have known this person for many years, and our relationship has gone through many convolutions over the past. So I knew the potential for the visit to be a certain way (boring, not what I might hope etc.) was very real.
But even when one knows ahead of time that things might not be wonderful, it’s still a bit of a downer when those expectations are filled! I guess as a hopeful individual, one can still think that another person might have changed a bit, or grown, or wants different things at this stage of the game.

In the end though, I’ve learned by now, that in order for people to really change in any way (great or small)–it takes very hard work and concentration, which most folks can’t give or don’t have. And most people either don’t realize or believe they need changing. Maybe they don’t either–it’s only according to someone else’s perception.

So where does that leave things? Well, a visit within tight quarters for almost a week can become uncomfortable and tiresome. For me, as someone used to living alone for many years now, I began to ache for my solitude. My patience and sense of being a good hostess begins to wan. All I really wanted was my space back…  It’s not that I disliked the other person, but I began to see all the little things about them that make me realize why I live alone now.

For years I have gone back and forth in my head about living alone. Will I be OK this way for the long haul? Is there something inadequate with me that makes it hard for me to be around others? Am I safe by myself? Am I truly happy this way? But I see others more and more living as I do and I find I am not so unusual. Many of us have come to this place after years of living with other people. And now we live alone by choice.

As we grow older, it is easy to become isolated, but the need for space and solitude also becomes a treasure. The years given in service to others–kids, spouses, pets, jobs, parents, families–can bring you to a point where the peace of one’s home is a blessing.

Having guests over is not a bad thing by any means, especially when they contribute to the well-being of one’s life and soul. But the return to the quiet when they leave is a sound I am also grateful to hear.

The Next Decade


As I boldly step into this sixtieth decade, where this woman has never gone before, I sense it will be an interesting one. I already know that I will be experiencing things that have never happened to me before, and portray roles unknown to me. This is both scary and exhilarating at the same time!

Ten years, while it may seem like a long time, can quickly speed by. The last ten certainly did and brought with them so many ups and downs. While I can’t ignore the past decade and its emotional pitfalls spattered with the not as memorable good snapshots, I’ve decided to do the sensible (and recommended) thing and live in the now.

So that even means not looking too far down the road of the next decade, although there are enjoyable moments where I can’t help it. Hey, my kids are all off doing their own things now, I’m single by choice, my health is good and I have a great imagination! Why not, then, occasionally dream about what may be in my future? All the fun places I might chose to live, or a new career choice, people I may meet, my future creations…the possibilities are as big as my mind.

But we don’t get there except by living day by day. And I plan to make each one of those days as satisfying as I can. My plan is to stay healthy and positive, remain open to new ideas and keep learning/reading/researching. With all these things, maybe the next decade will be decent. I’m not reaching for the moon, just a good walk on this troubled earth.

Most of all, I want to remember to be in the now, breathe and stay in constant touch with the world around me. Hopefully this may help to slow the next 10 years a tiny bit.

It’s Pouring!


Oh my goodness–where to begin! All I can think of is clichés:

When it rains it pours!

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The biblical saying: My cup runneth over!

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I feel simply overwhelmed and like some magical hand is guiding my steps. Again something amazing and fateful has happened, and may (I say may) lead me down yet another job direction.

As of yet, I still have not heard the final approval from the hospital where I went and did all the tests. It’s odd because I could have sworn the HR woman told me I would hear by the end of last week?? I even went so far as to call HR, and they said it could take up to 5 days…which would be about today, but still: crickets. Hmmm?

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Now I rather doubt I flunked the pee test. I haven’t been near any illegal drugs since I was in my 20’s (some 40 years ago)–but maybe it’s something else? Or maybe I heard wrong and they aren’t getting ahold of me. Maybe I just show up January 4th for Orientation?

Anyway, today I had decided to email to find out. I literally had my hand poised over the keyboard to compose that email, when my phone rang. It was yet another hospital about a job I had applied to like 26 days ago! The HR woman was checking about my cover letter, and if what I said in there was true. It seemed like fate again guiding me.

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You see, I kind of went out on a limb. For once I threw caution to the wind and came right out and said I knew I was over-qualified and that I didn’t want to be a paramedic any longer. I also said money wasn’t everything, only being happy at what you did every day. And yes, this IS actually true for me. All of the stuff I said.

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This position is a patient liaison in an emergency room in a hospital one mile from my apartment! It’s less money and 12 hour shifts x 3 days per week (compared to 8 hour shift x 5 days), but with patient contact, unlike the other one. Apparently the head nurse did not believe that I truly wanted this position and believed I would get into it and then apply as a medic. But I said no, I was retired as a paramedic. So the HR woman called the RN and told her.

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So I now have an interview for this position! The question will be–IF they offer it–which do I take and will it all fall into place? The timing is all very close!

Of course there are positive and negative points with both. My heart, for sure, is with the new position: with the patient contact, in the ER where my ‘home’ has been for 20 years. But they are both great jobs. I would be happy with either.

I honestly can’t believe how lucky I am. Everyone should have problems like this I suppose…

So stay tuned for the updates. Let me know what you think? The Universe may just well decide for me anyway…

Let’s just hope I end up with one of them at least!!

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Photos : Mood


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I guess these photos reflect my mood today. Lately I’ve been very upbeat and happy at work, but today I’m feeling out of sorts and grumpy. It has a lot to do with a co-worker that I’m letting get to me. It’s a vicious cycle because the more I let him bother me, the more I’m upset with myself for letting that happen.

Not long ago he quit his full-time job to be at the fire station morning, noon and night. His intentions are very noble, but his way of going about things are often not the best in my opinion. He was elected Captain, for a variety of reasons: one for lack of competition and another because he does care. I’ve tried to be very supportive, but like anyone, I feel in the end power has taken over part of his personality.

I’ve struggled for many years myself with wanting things my way and having a big mouth when it came to expressing my thoughts and feelings. In recent times, I’ve been working hard on trying to bite my tongue and letting go. While I do have a good feel for seeing things from other’s perspective, being a perfectionist, I often would just rather do things myself to get them done. It’s not that I have the best ideas or don’t want to listen to others, I just find that often others just don’t work to get the job done like I do–or as quickly.

So now there’s this power struggle here and I don’t like it. Things I’ve done for a long time have been pulled from me. It’s fine, but the minute he leaves, they will be dumped back in my lap. And mistakes are happening, and there was no communication when the tasks were taken from me. I felt it done all very unprofessionally. Hard to stay mellow and peaceful when things like this are happening.

And then there’s the personal stuff: the mocking tone, the ‘put-down’ type ‘joking’, the often lack of cooperation. Trying to communicate about it doesn’t seem to help either, so it’s frustrating.

Personal growth can come slowly and our own growth can take steps backwards when buttons get pushed. I’m the first one to admit these things. But I’ve been working on my issues of patience and letting go–today was a day where I reached a point where I couldn’t handle it. I felt like these clouds. I was ready to burst, felt like crying and just showing my emotions.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Writing and talking about it make me feel calmer. Ultimately I know this all isn’t really that important in the grand scheme of things. Nothing in my department is so important that I can’t let go and let someone else have control. And if someone else screws it up, well, that’s their problem I suppose.

So I will let this dark moment pass like the clouds. I will breathe and try to be at peace within myself. Let go of trying to have perfection around me and try not to take things so personally all the time. The sun is just there behind the rain ready to show me that it’s all really fine in the end.