I readily admit a feeling of doom and gloom, not just because of yesterday…but life in general has been seeming blah. I’ve been working over-time to keep my spirits up, and during my meditation this morning, my old thoughts crept in. Those dark and bleak thoughts where I convince myself that I don’t know how to be positive for very long, that life always seems to put stuff in my path to make me feel low or lost.
Luckily, I don’t stay in this place very long these days…but it stinks that I go there at all. It seems like a shadow that follows me, on sunny days as well as rainy. It lurks just around the corner, like the crazy man smoking the cigarette by the lamp-post–the one that is a bit scary and mysterious all at the same time.
But happily some good things are happening to get me out of this slump I’m in, thank goodness. By luck, an old and dear friend is visiting. We all know there is nothing like friends to cheer us. Being surrounded by love and those that accept us for who we are without trying to change us is so important as times like these, especially when we are at odds with ourself and questioning our sense of self. For someone to take time away from work and to pay to visit really means a lot to me.
The other good news (although slightly bittersweet) is that my old home will finally close on Monday. It has dragged on for over a year and I’m really ready to be done with it all. In the end, it didn’t turn out as well as I would have liked, and I was probably a sucker. Sometimes I am nicer than I should be and folks take advantage of my good nature. That was the case here. But hopefully I will gain some Mitzvah in the book of heaven? Or I am creating good Karma or at the very least the whole darn thing will be over once and for all.
I will miss that house and all its beautiful memories. This apartment can never compare in many ways: the gardens, the peace, the lake, the woods, the birds, the sunsets…. But its time has passed. And I am so grateful to be here with my Mom.
And I’m so blessed for the friends I have now, who accept me, even when I disagree and speak my mind. They seem to understand my moods, my faults and how I can be different. I am lucky that I can call on them to vent, to cry or to be silent for they will always listen and not judge me.
So even if the world may change in a way I might not like or agree with, my tiny world will stay the same as long as I have those near and dear to me close by. And we will continue to keep our world filled with love, kindness, empathy and compassion for each other at least–and there’s usually some left over for others that may need it too.
Tomorrow is the last day of a difficult two weeks. I’ve been ‘training’ someone who did not want to be trained and it’s been exhausting filling me full of negative energy. This person is one who seems to twist things people say and may have a large proverbial chip on her shoulder. I’m not sure what makes her tick, but whatever it is, somehow our vibrations were not in sync.
My range of emotions were all over the place from depression, sadness, anger, frustration to hopelessness. Not much was good, but there were moments when I tried to believe that maybe I could make it right. These situations always baffle me and I never know why they come to be or my role in them. Some say that I have nothing to do with them, but I do not believe this is true. People’s energy always bounce off of each other, either positively or not. So it’s at least, in part, me.
In the past, my reactions would almost always be negative, and, in my floundering to try to figure out what the heck was going on, everything would simmer often to a boiling point. It was hard for me not to blow up when someone was being what I felt was unreasonable or hurtful and I never worked hard enough to try to figure out why. My emotions would get the better of me and I would react.
Not that I am perfect, but now I try to take a breath, think less about my feelings when I’m calmer and get to a place of center. When I do, then I can ponder why this person might be acting the way they do and feel more compassion towards them. It still may be tough for me, but I try.
In an effort to bring peace to the atmosphere and change the karmic movement, I decided today to gift this person. You can see here the harmony candle and card I will give her. She often seems unhappy, so I hope maybe this card will brighten her and I will write some words in the card that hopefully will build some bridges.
I really have no idea if it will work, and I’m not going to put in great hopes. But I do know that just adding to the discord of the already miserable world certainly gains me nothing. And I’m certainly not walking my talk if I just sit around and grouse about it all. So…I’ll give it a shot.
Who knows? That good Karma may just help the other job applications I have out there too!
In one of my karmic lives, I must have been a sea creature–specifically some sort of sponge-like aquatic marine form no doubt. There I was, a mulitcelluar organism filled with pores so the water could just flow through me. As the oceans currents would flow around me, whether turbulent or calm, I sucked up the salty stream going my way.
Now, in this life time, it appears I continue to suck up most things that float nearby me. The energy that is around me, whether positive or negative, seems to sink into my pores like a sponge out of water. It absorbs into me, even if I am trying hard to deflect it with the best of my defenses: meditation, positive self talk, exercise and simply just being happy myself.
As long as I can recall, I’ve been chided for not have that tougher skin, that shield to bounce the bad ju-ju of others off me. Nope, I never could do it successfully for very long. In fact, many years ago I would actively try to save every soul until (finally) I learned this was a lost cause and slowly ruining my soul.
But even working hard to create my own bubble–with my absorbent nature–stuff seeps in and I find myself struggling to stay afloat, focused, energized and positive myself. It’s often the chameleon effect. I try to stay upbeat, but it becomes slowly draining and the sponge, more and more full of water, can hold no more. Simply wrung out.
When being in an environment that is consistently difficult, trying to stay afloat is like treading water to exhaustion. Nothing can float forever and eventually one dips below the surface and, well, disappears. One loses oneself no matter how hard you try.
This isn’t what I want. If I once lived below the ocean, while a beautiful and wondrous place I’m sure, I am now a creature of light. It’s where I belong and am meant to be. Some days I feel like it’s hard to be around others because of their energy…but maybe it’s because I just haven’t found my tribe yet.
Meanwhile, I rejuvenate when I’m alone, work hard not to absorb when around others and continue to keep my head above water following the sun while looking for my island.
After much agonizing and soul-searching, I’ve decided to go with the first job. In fact, I’m not even going to the second interview tomorrow. I’ve had wonderful advice from my dear and devoted friends, and my heart has whispered to me too.
We must listen: both to our heart and our friends! Both can know our souls when our brain may not. When we are quiet and don’t rush, the answers can come. This is growth for me, as I used to make many decisions hastily and without consideration. These came, often, with deep regrets as their hand-maidens.
So, after balancing, I’ve realized these things: my best furry friend would be miserable after 12-hours of me being gone, even if I could run home briefly to let him out for a quick bathroom run. It simply is not fair to him and he is important to me–he is family after all. He made the sacrifice, leaving his home faraway to come all the way here, so now I must do what’s best for him too.
Plus the first job is considerably more pay because it carries more responsibility (which will be cool) and started out with such good karma! The staff was so great and kind and saw my worth and recommended me for the better job immediately. This is the place I should be. The second position had some negative karma and the patient contact is really minimal–nothing compared to what I’ve been used to as a paramedic.
It’s the right choice–I know this to be true. So I will start the New Year with joy and excitement. Some trepidation too, but soon I will settle in and be rolling along feeling comfortable in my new position!
Not everyone believes in it, even if we all can relate to the cute little sayings like: “Instead of ‘Have a nice day’ I think I’ll start saying ‘Have the day you deserve’ You know, let Karma sort that s$%t out”.
Yes Karma. I wonder about it a lot, and what’s my Karma. There are many who also believe (me included) that we create our own realities: positive attitudes create positive lives–and the opposite. But can we really beat Karma? Sometimes I wonder.
I’ve worked very hard in the last years to create a positive life; with meditation, eating well, yoga, exercise, trying to be kind and grateful. And yet, many things just don’t seem to go my way. This does make me wonder.
I started out in this world as a baby, with no real consciousness about Karma or how to be positive or how to create any particular lifestyle. And when I was 18 months old my family walked away from me. Why do these things happen to a particular human? What lesson does that particular human learn from such an act, and the ripple effects afterwards that set you on a path for the rest of your life.
Much of my life seemed to follow a particular pattern of ‘aloneness’. I have flipped this pattern inside out and looked at it from all sides. Did I chose it, or did it chose me? Is there a past life Karmic experience that landed within my spirit that hovers around me? Even when I do my best to shake being alone, it comes running back like my best friend.
Many of us may look at continuing patterns in our lives and wonder why they keep playing out when we may do our best to break them. Are they stalking us because of Karma? Or are we just not reading enough self-help books on how to make the best of this life?
I suppose I will keep going forward toward an unknown future. It may be cloaked in a destiny that one may call God or one may call something else like Karma. If I can create my own destiny, I sure as heck want to try, but some days I feel like that rainbow trout swimming up that flooded river. And maybe it’s just life telling me that it’s my Karma to be right where I am.