Poem: Free Will?


Relief

is maybe

a few rungs

short of happiness

But as the fire breath

of karma

singe neck hairs

It is quite an

acceptable

alternative

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Poem : Rainbow Highway 


There are days 

When we push the karmic energy 

Hard enough 

So that the air around our body 

Shimmers with a different light 

Those moving molecules 

Push against one another 

Creating ribbons of radiating change 

This is The Power 

Spreading across space 

To heal and comfort 

It is light

It is love 

Let us push The Power far

Use the light 

To create beauty 

And ride down the rainbow highway 

Together 

The Crazy Man?


I readily admit a feeling of doom and gloom, not just because of yesterday…but life in general has been seeming blah. I’ve been working over-time to keep my spirits up, and during my meditation this morning, my old thoughts crept in. Those dark and bleak thoughts where I convince myself that I don’t know how to be positive for very long, that life always seems to put stuff in my path to make me feel low or lost.

Luckily, I don’t stay in this place very long these days…but it stinks that I go there at all. It seems like a shadow that follows me, on sunny days as well as rainy. It lurks just around the corner, like the crazy man smoking the cigarette by the lamp-post–the one that is a bit scary and mysterious all at the same time.

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But happily some good things are happening to get me out of this slump I’m in, thank goodness. By luck, an old and dear friend is visiting. We all know there is nothing like friends to cheer us. Being surrounded by love and those that accept us for who we are without trying to change us is so important as times like these, especially when we are at odds with ourself and questioning our sense of self. For someone to take time away from work and to pay to visit really means a lot to me.

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The other good news (although slightly bittersweet) is that my old home will finally close on Monday. It has dragged on for over a year and I’m really ready to be done with it all. In the end, it didn’t turn out as well as I would have liked, and I was probably a sucker. Sometimes I am nicer than I should be and folks take advantage of my good nature. That was the case here. But hopefully I will gain some Mitzvah in the book of heaven? Or I am creating good Karma or at the very least the whole darn thing will be over once and for all.

I will miss that house and all its beautiful memories. This apartment can never compare in many ways: the gardens, the peace, the lake, the woods, the birds, the sunsets…. But its time has passed. And I am so grateful to be here with my Mom.

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And I’m so blessed for the friends I have now, who accept me, even when I disagree and speak my mind. They seem to understand my moods, my faults and how I can be different. I am lucky that I can call on them to vent, to cry or to be silent for they will always listen and not judge me.

So even if the world may change in a way I might not like or agree with, my tiny world will stay the same as long as I have those near and dear to me close by. And we will continue to keep our world filled with love, kindness, empathy and compassion for each other at least–and there’s usually some left over for others that may need it too.

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Harmony


Tomorrow is the last day of a difficult two weeks. I’ve been ‘training’ someone who did not want to be trained and it’s been exhausting filling me full of negative energy. This person is one who seems to twist things people say and may have a large proverbial chip on her shoulder. I’m not sure what makes her tick, but whatever it is, somehow our vibrations were not in sync.

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My range of emotions were all over the place from depression, sadness, anger, frustration to hopelessness. Not much was good, but there were moments when I tried to believe that maybe I could make it right. These situations always baffle me and I never know why they come to be or my role in them. Some say that I have nothing to do with them, but I do not believe this is true. People’s energy always bounce off of each other, either positively or not. So it’s at least, in part, me.

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In the past, my reactions would almost always be negative, and, in my floundering to try to figure out what the heck was going on, everything would simmer often to a boiling point. It was hard for me not to blow up when someone was being what I felt was unreasonable or hurtful and I never worked hard enough to try to figure out why. My emotions would get the better of me and I would react.

Not that I am perfect, but now I try to take a breath, think less about my feelings when I’m calmer and get to a place of center. When I do, then I can ponder why this person might be acting the way they do and feel more compassion towards them. It still may be tough for me, but I try.

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In an effort to bring peace to the atmosphere and change the karmic movement, I decided today to gift this person. You can see here the harmony candle and card I will give her. She often seems unhappy, so I hope maybe this card will brighten her and I will write some words in the card that hopefully will build some bridges.

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I really have no idea if it will work, and I’m not going to put in great hopes. But I do know that just adding to the discord of the already miserable world certainly gains me nothing. And I’m certainly not walking my talk if I just sit around and grouse about it all. So…I’ll give it a shot.

Who knows? That good Karma may just help the other job applications I have out there too!

Sponges


In one of my karmic lives, I must have been a sea creature–specifically some sort of sponge-like aquatic marine form no doubt. There I was, a mulitcelluar organism filled with pores so the water could just flow through me. As the oceans currents would flow around me, whether turbulent or calm, I sucked up the salty stream going my way.

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Well, not quite an ocean stream…

Now, in this life time, it appears I continue to suck up most things that float nearby me. The energy that is around me, whether positive or negative, seems to sink into my pores like a sponge out of water. It absorbs into me, even if I am trying hard to deflect it with the best of my defenses: meditation, positive self talk, exercise and simply just being happy myself.

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This doesn’t absorb water, it explodes with it from build up pressure!

As long as I can recall, I’ve been chided for not have that tougher skin, that shield to bounce the bad ju-ju of others off me. Nope, I never could do it successfully for very long. In fact, many years ago I would actively try to save every soul until (finally) I learned this was a lost cause and slowly ruining my soul.

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My ruined soul??

But even working hard to create my own bubble–with my absorbent nature–stuff seeps in and I find myself struggling to stay afloat, focused, energized and positive myself. It’s often the chameleon effect. I try to stay upbeat, but it becomes slowly draining and the sponge, more and more full of water, can hold no more. Simply wrung out.

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Just blending in…..

When being in an environment that is consistently difficult, trying to stay afloat is like treading water to exhaustion. Nothing can float forever and eventually one dips below the surface and, well, disappears. One loses oneself no matter how hard you try.

This isn’t what I want. If I once lived below the ocean, while a beautiful and wondrous place I’m sure, I am now a creature of light. It’s where I belong and am meant to be. Some days I feel like it’s hard to be around others because of their energy…but maybe it’s because I just haven’t found my tribe yet.

Meanwhile, I rejuvenate when I’m alone, work hard not to absorb when around others and continue to keep my head above water following the sun while looking for my island.

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Ahhhh….peace….someday? Maybe?

The Choice


After much agonizing and soul-searching, I’ve decided to go with the first job. In fact, I’m not even going to the second interview tomorrow. I’ve had wonderful advice from my dear and devoted friends, and my heart has whispered to me too.
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We must listen: both to our heart and our friends! Both can know our souls when our brain may not. When we are quiet and don’t rush, the answers can come. This is growth for me, as I used to make many decisions hastily and without consideration. These came, often, with deep regrets as their hand-maidens.

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So, after balancing, I’ve realized these things: my best furry friend would be miserable after 12-hours of me being gone, even if I could run home briefly to let him out for a quick bathroom run. It simply is not fair to him and he is important to me–he is family after all. He made the sacrifice, leaving his home faraway to come all the way here, so now I must do what’s best for him too.

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Plus the first job is considerably more pay because it carries more responsibility (which will be cool) and started out with such good karma! The staff was so great and kind and saw my worth and recommended me for the better job immediately. This is the place I should be. The second position had some negative karma and the patient contact is really minimal–nothing compared to what I’ve been used to as a paramedic.

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It’s the right choice–I know this to be true. So I will start the New Year with joy and excitement. Some trepidation too, but soon I will settle in and be rolling along feeling comfortable in my new position!

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Thanks for all your support!!

Karma Baby


Karma.
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Not everyone believes in it, even if we all can relate to the cute little sayings like: “Instead of ‘Have a nice day’ I think I’ll start saying ‘Have the day you deserve’ You know, let Karma sort that s$%t out”.

Yes Karma. I wonder about it a lot, and what’s my Karma. There are many who also believe (me included) that we create our own realities: positive attitudes create positive lives–and the opposite. But can we really beat Karma? Sometimes I wonder.

I’ve worked very hard in the last years to create a positive life; with meditation, eating well, yoga, exercise, trying to be kind and grateful. And yet, many things just don’t seem to go my way. This does make me wonder.

I started out in this world as a baby, with no real consciousness about Karma or how to be positive or how to create any particular lifestyle. And when I was 18 months old my family walked away from me. Why do these things happen to a particular human? What lesson does that particular human learn from such an act, and the ripple effects afterwards that set you on a path for the rest of your life.

Much of my life seemed to follow a particular pattern of ‘aloneness’.  I have flipped this pattern inside out and looked at it from all sides. Did I chose it, or did it chose me? Is there a past life Karmic experience that landed within my spirit that hovers around me? Even when I do my best to shake being alone, it comes running back like my best friend.

Many of us may look at continuing patterns in our lives and wonder why they keep playing out when we may do our best to break them. Are they stalking us because of Karma? Or are we just not reading enough self-help books on how to make the best of this life?

I suppose I will keep going forward toward an unknown future. It may be cloaked in a destiny that one may call God or one may call something else like Karma. If I can create my own destiny, I sure as heck want to try, but some days I feel like that rainbow trout swimming up that flooded river. And maybe it’s just life telling me that it’s my Karma to be right where I am.

Making Peace


A few nights ago I emailed a guy I dated some years back. We broke up on unpleasant terms and haven’t really communicated since. It was a weird coming together, short and powerful relationship and just as bizarre tearing apart. But recently his name came up in conversation between a mutual acquaintance and me, so I decided to check in.

Being in a completely different space in my life, it made complete sense to me to reach out. (He did answer.) I no longer hold one iota of ill will toward this person. To me it felt like bad karma to be carrying around negative vibes with regards to him. Or towards anybody that I had fallen into a bad place with over the years. Trying to work much more from a place of peace, inward to start, this hopefully manifests itself by making peace with those I’ve had conflicts.

In some cases I’ve been fortunate and the person receiving my olive branch is receptive and takes it. There are all degrees in which they may choose to take my offer of peace. It may be simply acknowledging that I have contacted them again and leave it at that at present moment. Or a friendship may be revisited.

But sadly in many cases old friends may simple have no desire to re-open the pathway to something we once had. Sometimes I may not even know what broke down a friendship to begin with in the first place. Or maybe I do, but may receive no reply when communication in some form is sent. It is painful, but I have no choice but to accept it.

Starting small with the ability to make peace is what I hope sets the example for a more global example of doing the same. If we begin with ourselves and can show others: children, friends, colleagues and the like, that not holding a grudge takes less energy and only is hurting the person doing it, then slowly the world begins to change.

If we look at world struggles and break them down to what they really are, it is simply problems of humans. People like you and me, with egos that are unwilling to back down, forget the past and move on in a new and positive way. Making peace may sometimes involve letting go of something that you have held onto, some bit of anger or bitterness that has been eating away at you. It may have been a thing you feel that person did to you. Until you are willing to put it behind and live in this moment or at least own half of it, you won’t be free.

Even if you were truly a victim, making peace with the perpetrator, even if only in your own heart, you will find peace. It may be the biggest struggle any of us will ever face! And I don’t claim I would ever do this one very well. There are amazing stories where families forgive murderers of their children and do find peace by doing so.

But for most minor things that tore up friendships or relationships, there is a wonderful feeling to simple say: I’m sorry, please forgive me. Or at least: I’ve been thinking about you and hope you are well. Sometimes that’s all it takes to open the door.

So that’s my mission. I’m trying the best I can to do this where I can and feel I want to reach out. Not everyone responds, but that’s OK. At least I tried. I will admit I’m not ready to make peace with all the people of my past! I’m not that evolved yet. But I hope the ones that I have reconnected with will change my karma.

There is a Jewish word called “Mitzvah” and it’s come to mean: a good deed. The goal is to get lots of Mitzvahs in the book of Heaven. So hopefully, the more times I make peace with someone it counts as a Mitzvah. Hey, it can’t hurt?!

Jinxed?


Have you ever felt like you are just jinxed? Certainly there are days that just feel like you set your feet down and no matter what you do to try to make the day good–smile at everyone, say your mantra, speak positive speak, or whatever– the day keeps dealing you harsh stuff. But I’m talking about a theme that keeps running through your life that makes you wonder if you pissed someone off in your last life?

I am someone who truly believes that we create our own realities. And I believe I work very hard almost all the time (I say almost because I’m not perfect) to be the best person/friend/co-worker I can be. A good friend of mine recently paid me a wonderful compliment. It has to go down in the book of “the most awesome compliments paid by a friend” book. She said that I had taught her so much and that I had such a good heart. We are very different people the two of us. And yet I could tell she saw my worth on a deep level and I had touched her. It was such a wonderful moment.

And yet, when I wanted so much to be in a relationship with a man, I couldn’t seem to find the right one. So many years passed, with so many painful interactions. I really wondered if there was something wrong with me? I’ve come to accept and even embrace my “singleness” now, but for the longest time it seemed as though I was jinxed.

Now it feels the same way with regards to my career. I’ve been stagnating for a long time. There have been a few times I’ve tried to step out of it and head in a different direction. But nothing seems to come of it. I can’t seem to figure out where to head or a job I apply for doesn’t come through. I know I am stuck for sure, but I don’t know how to get unstuck and each good opportunity I try for seems to get, well, jinxed.

I’m not a gloom and doom person generally, but I feel like I’m battling a deep sadness sometimes. It’s like I see the joy so clearly but there are these unknown forces keeping me from it? I know this isn’t true, but some days it just feels that way. I am just trying to keep up the positive talk and looking at all the good in my life. There is much I know: I do have a job and it’s decent. I help people every day. That’s a good thing. I just want an opportunity to do something different with my talents….

Hopefully the clouds will part and the good stuff will all come pouring in. I want all the magic to start happening and doors to open. Until then, I will keep being the person I am and put out my good stuff and hope it comes back tenfold. And maybe whatever karma from the last life will fade away if I work hard enough.

Yardstick


Some of us have events that we participate in annually in our lives. Often they surround holidays for many of us. They are events that happen year after year, usually with the same people and same traditions. For me, coming from a small, spread out and untraditional family, holidays were never a very big deal. Even in my adult years.  I carried that ‘tradition’ into my family life (sometimes regrettably) and never created special holiday memories with my kids. Not too many anyway.

But I do have some other types of events that do prove to be yardsticks of sorts that measure my life’s progress. Events where I can look back and see how my life has progressed (hopefully) or at least certainly changed. They are certainly traditions and are usually performed with pretty much the same people and have a ritualistic aura about them also.

The athletic event I participated in this weekend is certainly one I can put into this category. It is a 200 plus running event that is a relay race run with over 400 teams. I am in charge of the medical personnel, most of whom are my friends, or friends of friends—or at least are my friends now after doing this event with me after 13 years. The other race staff have become my friends too, as we grind through this sleep, shower and decent food deprived event.

When I began doing this, I was one of the medical providers, not the charge person. And I was married at the time. My kids were much younger and I was much newer to emergency medicine. I’d been asked to participate because what I wasn’t new to was running. I had actually run events in the past like this myself. Due to a tragic event of the Captain of medical people prior to me, I got asked to fill in. I’ve been doing it ever since.

As I said previously, it’s pretty grueling as we live out of our cars for about 36 hours. Hopping from one transition area to another. But it’s all good, because our team of medical providers is fantastic. And that’s the point. We have a blast. When I first started, there were no cell phones and no facebook. Communication was very different. We didn’t keep in touch as much in between the race. Or during the race. It was much harder. But now, I know these folks much more intimately! I know about their daily lives through FB! They have become more than race family.

When I got to the race and realized I had forgotten paperwork, I needn’t have worried because I had my smartphone to download my email. That would not have been possible 13 years ago. Logistical things like that are just so different. As were sending pictures as they happened to FB and, well, I tried to send them to my blog, but I goofed that one up. But I tried.

But the more important changes that I  measured have been with me. An old boyfriend called me out of the blue to ask if he could participate again. I hadn’t heard from him in years! I was shocked. But for karma’s sake and for old friendship I said sure. When he arrived I realized how much had changed. How much I had changed. It had been such a dramatic relationship shall we say. Yet I didn’t feel a hint of drama. Life had simply moved on. Priorities change. It was just so peaceful and a beautiful moment.

And the friends that come up year after year. Because they love it and we love seeing each other. Some of them I only see once a year. It gives me that sense of family that people must have during their holiday gatherings. We laugh, tease and joke. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. We make our ‘patients’ laugh too. After running 200 miles, that’s pretty good! They fill me in: one woman has cancer but she’s getting through, one man’s son will be going back to Afghanistan, one pal grew a beard and one of my best guys will be retiring this year. That was sad news. But he will be replaced by a new family member. And he said he may come up to bug us anyway.

Our lives our measured by these reflective moments. By the friends that only see us once a year and say: hey you look great! Or ask: how have you been doing thus giving you the opportunity to think back fill them in. And those long hours driving alone at 3 am gave me the time to do much thinking. Where is my life now compared to where it has been? And where am I going? And will I fall asleep before I get where I’m going?