These days I have a lot of time to think. And think I do. All this thinking sometimes leads me to see my world completely the opposite from the way I used to see it. Maybe it’s like when you get way close to something, then it may not look like the same object at all. The perspective is distorted, but not necessarily in a worse way.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who can’t help but think about our past. I’ve gotten beyond tearing it up and regretting it, and yet, it still passes through my mind. I turn things over and look at things and pull them close, and lately when I do, I’ve started to realize that maybe some of the seemingly disruptive, hurtful things I did, really had the right instinct behind them.

And all these years later, those I have walked away from, I can now see didn’t have the staying power to be near me anyway. They moved on easily, while I still am working my way through it all–alone.

But the other thing I’m finally grasping is that there will be some (maybe only a very few) that will stay close for the long haul. Some of these may only make themselves apparent after a long time or suddenly, but they’ve been there all along. Some are with you every step of the way. These few are the true ones.

So looking from a different angle while we brush off the detritus that our minds have built around our past, maybe we can see it all from an organic place. Or maybe someone else, someone who has been hiding in the shadows, will appear to remind you that it’s OK.

Either way, stepping in close and twisting the past at a different angle can be the peace you need for today.


The Grocery Connection

So I was in the grocery store today and I caught the eye of a little girl riding in her Mom’s cart. She couldn’t have been more than three. We looked each other right in the eye. Unlike adults passing by in the grocery store where you might quickly glance at them as they push their cart by you. No, this little girl and I stared at each other as if we knew each other’s souls. Or at least I felt she knew mine.

Honestly, I couldn’t tell if it was creepy or sweet. Like those spooky kids movies where those young kids know way too much. This child seemed to have an old soul. It’s funny how children have so little inhibitions.  They will just say anything or look when they ‘aren’t suppose to’ or stare right at a person instead of looking away.

Anyway, I felt some sort of connection with her. As though we were sharing some secret. I felt as though she picked me because she knew I was OK to look at and I was safe. That made me feel good. Kids usually do connect with me, but it’s usually after I talk to them. Maybe I was just putting out some vibe today.

It happened they came in the check out line after me. She remembered me. So I went out on a limb and took it one step further. This time I waved to her. But now I crossed a boundary and she was no longer sure about me. It appeared she wanted to smile, but the whole ‘stranger danger’ thing was weighing heavy on her little mind. When I waved again, her Mom tried to break the ice and make it seem OK. I heard the child ask who I was, but the Mom said she didn’t know. I wonder if she thought she knew me?

I ended up just saying she was cute and that I had three daughters who were all grown now. Maybe I eventually got a tiny smile, but the magical connection seemed to be broken. Now I was just some weird stranger in the store. But prior to all the talking and Mom getting involved, when it was just instinct and eye contact–she and I were momentarily on some eerie wavelength. Speaking some silent language that maybe our ancestors spoke before we all started spewing meaningless dialogues.

Maybe there truly was some connection between us and she picked up on it because kids are connected to the magical world. Maybe we knew each other in a past life, or will know each other in a future life. Who knows?  But I felt it and so did she. For in those few seconds that our eyes locked I knew quite possibly it was not a three year old looking back at me.


Poem: Olfactory

I was on a run

And I smelled a smell

Someone drying clothes

Their billowing steam

Hit my brain

It took me back

To all the Laundromats

(Laundry mats?)

Where I had washed

Countless clothes

Until I had joined the ranks

Of proud home owner

Other smells

Take me back

To places I’ve been

Perfume I bought

Because my Grandma

Floated close by

Nose and brain

Flash pictures before us

The first sign winter approaches

Or that spring is coming

Skunk scent

City smog

The lover’s smell

Our office space

Holiday joy

A baby’s skin

Puppy breath

Emotions swirl

With a smell

And a memory

The blind do this better

Than those that see

And cave people

Had instinct

The nose kept them safe

Close your eyes

Breathe the smells

Go back in time

Use your senses

And see the world