Cosmic Birth


She walked into the crystalline night below an inky sky her thoughts following her like giant insects who come out only when old furniture is moved. The apparitions that stalked her, breathing their hot voices close to her ears, were ever present. It was like the dead air sound inside her head when the pressure gets too much; or maybe someone just over the other side was reaching out, trying to say something, but she couldn’t make out the words. A rushing, like the blood in her veins, pushing and pulsing. They follow her, so very near.

Where was she going? And where had she just been? The night air felt like a slap, but it was a sting of stars blasting her awake.  Had she been asleep? Walking through her life, but not conscious. Faces, distorted with mouths that spoke at her, trying to swallow her and eat what she was, would swim out of the darkness, grinning. Often, she would find herself in a place she wouldn’t recognize, naked and unaware how she had gotten there. Just like on this stark night.

The mirrored hall of reality was a twisted place. It’s maze of unending pathways looking back upon itself reflected nothing and everything. Where did she start or end? The mystery of the beginning was unknown. So, she would keep moving because stopping would mean pain. The grace of fluidity kept her whole, in one piece, so she wouldn’t shatter into a million shards and fly off into the universe.

It was understood that this was a lonely place. The voices may speak, but they would never hear.  She would always walk alone on roadways unfamiliar and distant from where she knew she belonged. There would be a mist that would drift in around her and hold her like a baby, clouding the world around her and making the edges soft. But this made others wary of her, because when she stepped out of the fog, she saw with great clarity and knew when the others weren’t true. And this made her different.

So, it kept her walking; away from it all. It kept her separate, even though the voices followed. She kept going forward, step by step. The ghosts floated close by, but the cool, authentic air as she walked kept her present.

And as she walked, her head tilted toward the dotted evening sky. She thought about the stars, planets and the universes. Mostly about eternity. How it all stretches out on and on. It started before her and will go on after she is long gone. And how she is following its call back home.

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Poem: Defogg


From the fog steps a stranger

droplets cling

making tears run

from weary eyes

In the clear

of the day

the face takes shape

But the true

features

will forever be left

hidden

by the misty ghosts

with hazy

relinquished hands

Clearing


These days I have a lot of time to think. And think I do. All this thinking sometimes leads me to see my world completely the opposite from the way I used to see it. Maybe it’s like when you get way close to something, then it may not look like the same object at all. The perspective is distorted, but not necessarily in a worse way.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who can’t help but think about our past. I’ve gotten beyond tearing it up and regretting it, and yet, it still passes through my mind. I turn things over and look at things and pull them close, and lately when I do, I’ve started to realize that maybe some of the seemingly disruptive, hurtful things I did, really had the right instinct behind them.

And all these years later, those I have walked away from, I can now see didn’t have the staying power to be near me anyway. They moved on easily, while I still am working my way through it all–alone.

But the other thing I’m finally grasping is that there will be some (maybe only a very few) that will stay close for the long haul. Some of these may only make themselves apparent after a long time or suddenly, but they’ve been there all along. Some are with you every step of the way. These few are the true ones.

So looking from a different angle while we brush off the detritus that our minds have built around our past, maybe we can see it all from an organic place. Or maybe someone else, someone who has been hiding in the shadows, will appear to remind you that it’s OK.

Either way, stepping in close and twisting the past at a different angle can be the peace you need for today.

Blessed


It’s rare these days that I have as bad a day as I did today. Or that I post something that is down in the dumps or negative. Over the years of my blog I’ve worked so hard to try to be upbeat and more positive in my life. But today I think maybe the storm left some residual pressure that has left my life a mess.

Everything that could go wrong seems to be. The most important thing is a major family emergency. And really, all things being equal, it’s the only important thing. But the other things that stressed me out were such bad timing, that for the first time in a very long time I really thought I might not be able to cope.

This blog has helped me so much to do just that: cope. My writing and sharing and meeting so many wonderful and dear people on my journey here has literally put my life back on course towards  a more content and peaceful one. It helps me clear my mind and soul while sorting out difficult moments or simply sharing my insights toward light.

Some may not understand this venue and some have other ways to get on during difficult times. To each their own. And this is not my only coping method, but it one of my very important ones. Especially during times of extreme pain or stress.

I’m feeling it now as I may be heading towards something extremely challenging. I do not know for sure, but I sense a potential change. Only my really dear and close friends respect what I am going through while most concentrate on their own lives. It’s a rare thing that people can put their own stuff aside (their anger, hurt, stresses, frustration) for the moment to concentrate on someone else’s needs. It’s a gift to be able to do it and only the kindest most compassionate of people can. And I am blessed with some who do.

And with them I will get through all my upcoming challenges. There will always be lonely times in my life anyway I know. Lonely because I say what I feel and am brutally honest, but those that really know me, love me anyway.

The Real Deal


I feel I’ve always been pretty good at telling what’s the real deal. Of course this can refer to many things in life: food, merchandise (like diamonds–Marilyn would especially want to note), maybe love even (admittedly I’ve not been good at this). But in this case I’m talking about people. Are the people we meet, either at work, in social situations, on the street simply real?


You might wonder what I mean by this I suppose. Like, get real dude. It just seems the older I get, the more superficial people seem to me. Or at least, the less they are interested in things that involve anything that may mean thinking too hard, caring in a big way or really, really standing up for what you believe in.

It’s just easier to go to work, talk about your nails or hair, pretend that you’re friends with the person standing next to you, casually mention the horrors of the world, then hop in the fancy car and go home like nothing is happening. Like nothing is real. Like the horrors are really happening. Or your friends may not be really suffering, or maybe someone who isn’t your friend, just a co-worker, might need something from you more than a passing smirk.


No, it’s all about our own little microcosm. Our little floating bubbles that encase us and keep us separate but make it appear as though we’re able to see each other. But it’s just an illusion.

And in many ways I’m just as guilty. Oh I cry when I hear the news, but I don’t do anything about it. I just drive back and forth to work wishing I could do more. But I don’t. Not yet anyway. Swearing I will someday…when I can. At least I care I say to myself…it’s more than some. Does that make me more real?


When I’m with people, near people in real pain though, I do react. That much I can say. I can never sit by and just ignore it. And things like fingernails and doing my hair are not important to me anymore (well, they never were). It’s OK that they are to some, but there has to be more. Our worlds have to connect with people who have nothing.

So who is the real deal these days? Let’s get real here. Open our eyes to the real world. The war, the famine, the terror, the rape, the killing, the fires, the homeless, the poor, the racial disparity… And even the people close to us in true pain.

Let’s not pretend. Even while we live our comfortable lives, keep a piece of discomfort in our hearts to keep us real.

Poem: Betrayal


Walking into a conspiracy of souls,

Their hunched backs to me with hushed voices—

A thousand hearts beat in my stomach

As I stop    dead     in    my     path

******

The pulling and pitting,

Forever questioning how others can purr

So genuinely to another

Then scratch and claw until flesh lays open

******

Twisted and brambles inside

Thorns underneath roses lay

Drawn by the smell can be tempting

To those naïve

******

Wounds and scars dripping sap

From years of birds pulling bugs from within

But the bark continues to wrap around

Each hole and dent

 

******

Wind slamming into skin

Lungs gasping at hope

Turning my body into sunlight

I return time and time again

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Happy Medium


We all have feelings. Some of us show them readily, some of us bury them and some of us let them pile up until they flow over like a spewing volcano. People smarter than me say holding things in can be unhealthy, but I have learned over time tempering my feelings hasn’t been such a bad thing either.

For years I heard the familiar advice of: don’t let that bother you so much or you care too much or you’re getting far too upset about that issue. I happen to be a person that feels deeply about things and shows it easily. We all have a range of positive feelings like love, joy, satisfaction, empathy and gratitude to name a few, while the negative feelings such as anger, sadness, frustration, hurt, disappointment and loneliness lurk inside us too.

If you are like me and we constantly tell others how we feel all the time–especially if it involves the negative emotions, and how they may have caused them. This becomes a burden to them I have found. Learning to cope within myself has been very helpful. Learning to stop before I share, and getting in touch with where the negative feelings are coming from and owning my piece of them, makes for more productive conversation.

But keeping all feelings in doesn’t seem productive either. That seems like filling a balloon with air–eventually it will pop! At some point, one must let some emotions go, good and bad to release the inner pressure. Learning how to communicate what one is feeling is the tricky part. Especially if one’s feeling involves being hurt by another person. I’m not saying this is easy, but keeping it in only hurts the person holding onto the pain.

I think the happy medium is neither what I used to do nor keeping everything in until one explodes. What I have come to conclude is first getting in touch with the feeling and why one may be feeling it. Exploring your part in it, not just the other person’s. Trying not to blame, but having empathy for that person’s position -as difficult as this may be. Taking time before approaching the feeling and person and then coming from a place of calm is possible–a place of a positive feeling when approaching a negative feeling! It seems anti-intuitive, but it seems to work.

Letting things out a little a time, not carrying things or pretending there are no negative feelings in life seems to make sense! And unless you are a Saint (which I am certainly not), then we will all face difficulties, walls, people who with churning stomachs and gritting teeth. Instead of getting angry or frustrated, take a breath. Stop before you speak or tuck the anger away (and it will come out sideways). Maybe you’ll find out just why this moment is making you angry and you can work your way through it without a volcanic eruption!

And remember to share all those difficult feelings, not just anger. Your sadness too is best dissipated when spread among others.

So there is a happy medium I believe between holding it all in and blabbing everything you feel. And if you have the need to tell all–there’s always your journal or blog!