Poem: Enough


I leap

from tear to tear

It is not

fear

that pulls me

inside

and shut

It is the

bleeding hope

shot out

by

triggered hate

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Poem: 17


One more sick

abandoned child

take Lucifer’s hand

and go Heaven up

to rain down wild

with hate no heart

Your Mother left dark

Father a hole

nothing you took

would fill your soul

The world now turns

17 lighter

Shattered and sadness

killing the gladness

Add to the countless

that suffer their fate

The spirits gather round

holy disquieting gate

for they wait

in bloodless shock

as the next enter

their flock

 

 

 

 

Reality Shootings


It’s not surprising (to me anyway), that our society is crumbling under an opioid crisis, people suffering from mental illness or comfort eating and heart disease, plus all the many other myriad diseases and problems afflicting us nationally.

One answer seems obvious to me, part of it anyway. Many of us are suffering from PTSD and survivor guilt.

With all the horrible events that have been going on now for years, and I repeat, years—our brains are inundated from the media and our devices by the trauma of seeing the scenes of these events. Many years ago, we rarely would experience the raw horror that we do now–first hand (sometimes from a phone of someone right there): the noise, the blood, the screams, the carnage. And not just once, but over and over. How much can the brain  handle, day after day, year after year, without going over the edge? Mine is certainly on overload.

What is PTSD? It is caused by the triggering of traumatic events: disasters, abuse or any kind of trauma. It can happen when someone you love has been harmed also. Normally we don’t experience it ourselves unless we have been through the event, but what about now? Do you think it’s possible seeing footage from the phone of someone who was actually there during a shooting, would this do the same thing to us? How do these ‘pictures’ stay in our minds: people falling from buildings, human blood everywhere, kids running from a school or actually watching someone being shot…

Let’s face it people, if you are at all caring about your fellow human being, this can’t be good. We are pretty much experiencing these things as though we are there. It’s like reality shootings. Maybe they’ll make a new TV series. They might as well for as much as they play the stuff–and we watch.

What does all this watching do to us anyway?  How does it make you feel when you go out somewhere (or maybe you don’t even want to)? Do you check where the exits are now? Does your heart rate go up if you hear something weird? Are you simply numb to this stuff now? Are you mistrustful of others? Do you feel sad a lot?  Can you sleep at night or have your dreams changed? I know I have been greatly effected by the heinous crimes crushing our country.

Even if we weren’t at these places, we can’t help but feel: why these people? As we pour through their stories, it makes our story feel somewhat meaningless. When it’s a kid… there’s a collective: why so young and what if was my child? It’s so chilling.

And the roulette guilt of: I’m here, they’re not. I’m enjoying my life, those poor people aren’t anymore. My feelings of gratitude just get ruined by the extreme senselessness of it all. It’s just hard to hold those two feelings in the same space.

It’s all this nation wide secondary guilt because nothing is being done about it. We all just sit around waiting for the next one to happen, because we know it will, while law-makers tell us now isn’t the time to talk about any changes in the laws. It’s all so frustrating! So we just wait…holding our breath and wonder where will be next. What venue? How many? What city? Is there a person out there now contemplating it…?

How’s that for your health, while we think: will it be me next time or my kid? That makes my heart thump. This is why I don’t sleep. What about you?

So I ask: do we really need to see this stuff so much? Is it only me that thinks the perpetrators may sometimes do these things because they understand they will be glorified by the media? And all of us watching and watching and watching… Their sick moment of fame.

I’ve made a promise to myself: I will watch no more (or listen or read). What if none of us did? What if we heard about these awful things and said prayers for those dead (and their families), but didn’t pick up our phones, or look on our computers, or shut off our TV and radios? What if we refused? Could we demand from our media sources to stop flooding our minds with such gruesome images and sounds? Instead just report the facts and move on.

Sadly, I can’t seem to create change to laws by my vote, but I can do this one thing instead. It’s something that I do have control over: to reduce the bombardment of the grisly media show to my brain. And by doing this, allowing more space in there for good energy.

It’s ultimately up to us. I’m not saying we can stop people from killing, but maybe we can stop ourselves from becoming a more ill society than we already are, and if we do, maybe this in turn will help in the long run.

Poem: Shot & Other Sadness Thoughts


They are gone

yet we tread on

dead-eyed zombies

feasting upon what they left behind

Their flickering ghosts

flash upon screens

and disappearing voices

echo to screams

yet we watch

holding

their dying dreams

***

I was handed my sadness like a suitcase when they pushed me out the door so long ago. It has been with me since then; something I hold near me as a reminder of the pain. But it is also a gift. A beacon to see pain in all other things. I carry that with me too. So this is why I will never truly feel at peace–not fully. Only tiny bits, at moments here and there. Because what I am meant to carry is a story of sorrow. And this sorrow gathers sadness and pain within it and to hide in the crevices, unreachable, forever.

 

Giving Up Our Rights…


Working in a fire station, we have had so many interesting discussions lately about the terror in Newtown, CT. Many of my co-workers and fellow EMT’s and the fire fighters that work with me own guns. Many guns and some like the weapons used in the shootings. So this has opened discussion about guns, gun safety, gun laws, personal protection etc. Sometimes the discussions get heated, but so far have remained respectful. I ask  because I really don’t understand or get the love of guns. I truly don’t! I’m not being funny or an activist here or anything. I simply don’t get it.

I’ve been a vegetarian and a pacifist for many, many years, so I respectfully just asked my colleagues to explain the need for all their weapons and ammo. Each had different reasons actually, and each had a different reaction to what should be done now in the wake of the horror. All agreed it was horrible, but not all thought gun laws should change. Some took pause and wondered if they should sell some guns, others staunchly said never. Some may buy more.  But discussion always included the fact that guns were not the main reason this happened. And I agree.

Almost anyone agrees that multiple factors were at play to cause this tragedy. And we can never 100% know the reason. But the question I wonder about now is how our rights as citizen’s get curtailed, taken-away, or changed based on death, tragedy or bad circumstances based on someone’s behaviors? I was trying to point these things out to my co-workers: it’s not only gun laws that change in light of awful things, but other freedoms.

One I think of right off is buying things like Sudafed other ephedrine type substances. There was a time you could just go into a pharmacy and buy packages right off the shelf…a few packages if you want. Until meth labs starting using it to make crystal meth. Now an ordinary citizen must go and ask a pharmacist for it behind the counter, and I would imagine if I asked for too many, a red flag would fly up! This seems to me an infringement on my freedom. But it’s in reaction to bad stuff that’s happened. The government felt it had to step in a do something about it. Just like they are doing now about the gun laws (or talking about anyway).

We could use drunk driving also. The laws in place for this too. And making cars safer as so many people died. Speed limits lowering, seat belts, airbags, car seats, blah blah. Are these my rights being curtailed? Maybe I should be able to drive 80 everywhere? With no seat belt or anything. Maybe I don’t want to pay for safety equipment in my car? Do I have a choice? No, I don’t. As a kid I used to lay on the back seat of my parents car! No one thought twice about it. Not now.

My point is, we all make sacrifices as life changes, people change, society changes. Is society changing? Are we getting colder, harsher, meaner, more callous? Are semi-automatic weapons more prevalent and being used more for mass shootings? Are there more mental health issues and are these people not getting the help they need? Is TV, the computer, video games helping young people to be more violent? Is it time for our government to step in and curtail rights and for us to make sacrifices for the greater good? We have done it before. I don’t know…but I am asking myself these questions. And I’m asking others these questions too. I truly hope that before people just say no, I will never  put my gun down, or I need 10 more guns now, they will at least think about some of these questions. The only way we can heal as a society is if we collectively try.

Please, tell me what I need to do so school children don’t get murdered again and I will be happy do it.