Just a gentle drop
That lands upon a petal
Keeps the world alive
Last night I was visited by two Golden Unicorns. Interestingly I never knew that such a thing existed until I read about them the next day. They were agitated when I saw them, and surrounded by a glowing light, as though it was just after a storm and the sun was about to come out from behind a cloud. I believe it was a male and female, but I’m not sure how I know this…I just did. And somehow, I was there to help them. They ran to and fro as I watched them.
They are drawn to gardens I read (but I did not know prior), and there was a woman too that I met. She was quirky and fey, in a greenhouse type structure, but outside too. This woman, with grayish hair, was moving plants from this large garden, from one pot to another. She was making more plants. I was hoping to apprentice with her.
It was a busy area, with many people, almost like a fair. I kept noticing people I knew from the past and present walking by me.
But the unicorns captured my attention. No-one else seemed to notice them. Maybe they were there for my eyes only. Their sighting brings me hope and delight. I know it means good things are in store for me. While it was a bit disturbing that they were upset, I hope I was there to help them too. And together we helped each other.
While I was meditating on their visit this morning, I recalled this piece of pottery that I found years and years ago. I’ve carried it around with me all this time…
Peace be with the Golden Unicorns…
I readily admit a feeling of doom and gloom, not just because of yesterday…but life in general has been seeming blah. I’ve been working over-time to keep my spirits up, and during my meditation this morning, my old thoughts crept in. Those dark and bleak thoughts where I convince myself that I don’t know how to be positive for very long, that life always seems to put stuff in my path to make me feel low or lost.
Luckily, I don’t stay in this place very long these days…but it stinks that I go there at all. It seems like a shadow that follows me, on sunny days as well as rainy. It lurks just around the corner, like the crazy man smoking the cigarette by the lamp-post–the one that is a bit scary and mysterious all at the same time.
But happily some good things are happening to get me out of this slump I’m in, thank goodness. By luck, an old and dear friend is visiting. We all know there is nothing like friends to cheer us. Being surrounded by love and those that accept us for who we are without trying to change us is so important as times like these, especially when we are at odds with ourself and questioning our sense of self. For someone to take time away from work and to pay to visit really means a lot to me.
The other good news (although slightly bittersweet) is that my old home will finally close on Monday. It has dragged on for over a year and I’m really ready to be done with it all. In the end, it didn’t turn out as well as I would have liked, and I was probably a sucker. Sometimes I am nicer than I should be and folks take advantage of my good nature. That was the case here. But hopefully I will gain some Mitzvah in the book of heaven? Or I am creating good Karma or at the very least the whole darn thing will be over once and for all.
I will miss that house and all its beautiful memories. This apartment can never compare in many ways: the gardens, the peace, the lake, the woods, the birds, the sunsets…. But its time has passed. And I am so grateful to be here with my Mom.
And I’m so blessed for the friends I have now, who accept me, even when I disagree and speak my mind. They seem to understand my moods, my faults and how I can be different. I am lucky that I can call on them to vent, to cry or to be silent for they will always listen and not judge me.
So even if the world may change in a way I might not like or agree with, my tiny world will stay the same as long as I have those near and dear to me close by. And we will continue to keep our world filled with love, kindness, empathy and compassion for each other at least–and there’s usually some left over for others that may need it too.
I heard two sad things today. One was that a 31 year old fire fighter in a town that I used to serve as a paramedic back where I used to live, was killed in a freak accident. He was driving his truck when a strong gust of wind blew a tree on it and killed him.
The other was about one of our 36 year old patients today in surgery. He was going in for what was expected to be diverticulitis because of pain and some bleeding. They put him under anesthesia and opened him up only to find massive amounts of cancer everywhere. He will wake with a colostomy bag, much less of his insides and about a year and a half to live.
I reflect on these stories and share them to remind myself and us all that things may be tough: our jobs, not enough money, someone is annoying us, the kids on our nerves or some other thing making us crazy.
But when we get true perspective on what is important, and we suddenly see how others are dealing with real hardship — somehow our load seems lighter.
So instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, let’s instead send our thoughts, prayers and all the energy we use being upset, and use it instead to care about those who really need caring.
Because, like a cactus, even beauty can come from pain.
Listen to the mockingbird
Her voice is for you
Don’t turn away
Or tuck under your wing
Puff up your chest and sing along
The words are sweet
Just walk away from those that don’t hear the music
You are floating on flowers
And they sink in stone
It’s time to dance
In green grass finery
Wear your best
And join the circle
Pull along side a flower
And see all the beauty
Keep your head up
And those feet moving
It was in September that I moved to this new place–uprooted myself, left my career of 20 years, left family and friends behind and decided to start anew. I told myself it was partly to create a new me, have some adventures and to try out a new part of the country. The main motivator was to be closer to my Mom, but all these other factors were certainly added incentive.
Now that it’s been about six months (not quite but still hard to believe) since this monumental decision, I am reminded that I’m not 20 any longer and easily adaptable to new places and situations.
Years ago it felt pretty easy to simply pick up and go–to change my surroundings quickly and plop myself down somewhere else. Maybe I was less encumbered or tied down to places or people. Things didn’t seem to stress me as much about moving, there wasn’t as much ‘stuff’ to drag around or get rid of and saying goodbye not as painful. It all seemed like, well, there was plenty of time to get together at a later time or just gather more material things.
But now I know the sacred value of friendships and how distance can, maybe not break them, but make them less tangible in some ways. Sure, we’re all more connected so have instant access that way–but somehow knowing our nearest and dearest are a car ride away if we need them, is far more comforting.
And while I am trying to reduce my material things, I do know that a home that has been loved and cared for, gardens that have been tilled and watered and certain items we have–all these things become part of the fabric of our lives.
So when we find ourselves in alien territory, it can be lonely and disorienting for quite a while. We don’t recognize where we are and google maps becomes our best friend for a long time. It may be hard to reach out to people for fear they may reject our advances for friendship. In the end, we end up isolating ourselves instead.
Sometimes, though, a magical thing can happen in the midst of it all. That moment in time, as we slowly start to familiarize ourselves with this new place the blurry becomes clear. The walk we do every day becomes a routine and we notice things that make it feel like our neighborhood. Even the crazy job starts to get slightly easier, people call you by name and smile–you don’t get lost in the halls anymore and it’s almost OK.
But the really most wonderful day comes when you find someone, that first someone, who you know will be a friend. That first time that someone reaches out, invites you to do something (and means it), meets you somewhere and you click. There is such beauty and peace in these moments. They remind us of all the moments in life we’ve had like this: all the moments where we met a wonderful friend (that we probably still have) and how comforting it was when we connected. It reminds us we are no longer alone, that there just might be someone ‘out there’ in our new world should we need them. Somehow it makes all the difference….
Today was that day for me and it changed the whole color of me living here. She reminds me of another dear friend I have with her quiet beauty, soft intelligence and abounding kindness. It was such a lovely day in the space of a friend, something I have not felt in months.
And for this–and her–I am grateful.