Within darkness, light
From the storm comes the new growth
So embrace the rain
This was not staged but rather I came across it exactly this way. It is special hieroglyphics and happens to have particular meaning in my life at this moment. It’s those synchronous moments that catch us and remind us that there is still magic if we pay attention.
Even in a place where we may think the spirits have abandoned, they surprise us by leaving some message to say: we still visit if only you look!!
I had a conversation today with a person who played a prominent role in my past. He said something that triggered a visceral, and for me, odd reaction. It was odd, because it surprised me, that I could feel such a ‘gut’ feeling (like I had been punched in the gut) to a very simple thing this person said in a perfectly normal conversation. It wasn’t like we had delved into the past or were reminiscing… and yet, the comment, in a sense, was about the past, because it referenced a place we had shared together.
This moment touched off many thoughts in me. Like what constitutes relationships and ‘falling in love’ with someone? And is love even the right way to approach a relationship? Should it be more about wanting or needing something–for yourself; in others?
Certainly at my age, love seems a far cry from where I am these days. My relationships with people close to me seem to be based on things much more involved than love. Things that seem even more important and lasting than love if that makes any sense. The things that keep people together–the glue.
Those of you that have lasting relationships of any kind know what I mean here, so I won’t explain what I am talking about. Love can be fleeting and fickle and hard to get a grasp on. But we can still build strong, solid and meaningful bonds even after the love may turn into something strange or convoluted. Or maybe if the ‘love’ was strange from the start.
So can I re-evaluate life and how to live it more openly? To be open to a different way to to be with someone if love isn’t the defining point? It’s another perspective really, but not unfamiliar. It’s a theme that has repeated in my life.
What is the ‘want’ then…or the ‘need’? These become the hard questions to ask. Because simply hoping to exchange love with someone, I feel, is not where I should place my hope.
It seems it should be in far more reliable, tangible and maybe simple things that will help to grow a connection with someone else; things that will ultimately not vanish, just in case the love remains elusive.
Today has been a dreaming sort of day. One of those days where I have looked at the life I have wanted to live and wondered if it will ever be possible and if I will ever follow through–or if it will always just be a dream. It was a day filled with research and videos, thinking and feeling things in my heart–even conversations with friends.
How many of us just have these yearnings that niggle at us? It is easy to let life pull us in other directions and I admire folks who just do what they want. It’s not that they are better or I am worse at living life, it’s just different paths. And it’s not that I didn’t do what I wanted, because obviously I did.
But what about all those ‘big’ things that we think about when we were young? Where do those ideas go?
Funny, but my next poem art sort of reflected my thoughts today without my trying. But the words I came across just floated out…and spoke the things in my head.
What are your dreams?
Within the echoed halls of grief
looking for missing pieces
the clawing scrape
leaving traces of the beggar
cut open and searching
for something that will never
They blow through me
windy words sweep miles
past desert shapes
caught in wisps of willows
and carried on wings of butterflies
heard as flying bells
traveler to my inner
where not a breeze blows
for my song
as it drifts through air
putting pressure on you
times when I sat
hushed under ancient pines
back brushed up against wizened skin
beneath an immobile mammoth
near a whispering brook
whose words spoke sense
when nothing else could
they drifted past
in bubbles of music
in ripples of spray
to be caught in moments
And in stillness
sitting upon the hill
with warmth from above
creatures close by
and sharing the peace
near by voices are small
and my belly is round
while the world is spinning beyond