Heartbeats


It struck me today as I was busting a gut on the workout equipment at the gym, that I heard somewhere that we only have so many heartbeats in our life time. So here I am, with my heart racing away and I think: is it good or bad that I’m working out so hard like this and all the years I did it? If we only have so many heartbeats allotted to us, then if we raise our heart rate working out so much, won’t we use those heart beats up sooner? Or is the converse true and we create a stronger heart like the American Heart Association would like us to believe? Or doesn’t it really matter??

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Are the number of heart beats given to us figured out ahead of time? I’m sure some would say yes, along with the exact moment we are going to die, so who cares if we do this or anything else, because it’s all planned no matter what anyway?

And yet some of us work really hard to extend our lives by eating right, exercising, keeping our stress down, wearing our seat belts and doing all the right things. But we know, somewhere keep down in our subconscious, that when it’s our time, we can’t beat the facts. We maybe aren’t extending anything really because it will happy anyway–just the way it’s supposed to, when the beats are up.

Humans like to feel they are in control. So we keep on those treadmills, hoping that it’s helping rather than beating us closer to our allotted usage. Some like to test fate and do crazy things, but I’m not a gambler. I’ll be here far shorter than I’ll be gone. I plan to cherish it and play it safe as I can.

But if all the right things I have done don’t take me to all the heartbeats I hope to get to, well then, it hasn’t been a waste anyway. Because the choices I made were for other reasons too, so I’m perfectly satisfied I made them!

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Jackpot


For those of you who regularly following my blog and have been wondering and care, I saw the orthopedic doctor today about the tear in my rotator cuff. He showed me the MRI pictures and it is a  pretty decent injury.

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He had me do some movement with my arm and saw my pain level and mobility. Luckily I have been an athlete for so long because I have good musculature around the joint to compensate. Plus I’m stubborn and tolerate pain well.

So he said for now I can get away with a cortisone shot to decrease the inflammation, which is causing the pain. Plus he gave me some exercises to continue strengthening the arm. He also told me what not to do which is just as important. Guess I’ll never be a swimmer again. Unless I get the surgery.

And they’ll be no doubt that I will know if it tears completely because then the pain will be excruciating and I won’t have use of the arm. Ok, I get it, no lifting heavy objects.

Funny, being an athlete probably hurt me in the long run too, causing a lot of the injuries to the arm. But it has protected me too. This is somehow ironic.

But I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot for now and won’t be laid up for months! And in the meantime I’m working on becoming ambidextrous!

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Sponges


In one of my karmic lives, I must have been a sea creature–specifically some sort of sponge-like aquatic marine form no doubt. There I was, a mulitcelluar organism filled with pores so the water could just flow through me. As the oceans currents would flow around me, whether turbulent or calm, I sucked up the salty stream going my way.

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Well, not quite an ocean stream…

Now, in this life time, it appears I continue to suck up most things that float nearby me. The energy that is around me, whether positive or negative, seems to sink into my pores like a sponge out of water. It absorbs into me, even if I am trying hard to deflect it with the best of my defenses: meditation, positive self talk, exercise and simply just being happy myself.

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This doesn’t absorb water, it explodes with it from build up pressure!

As long as I can recall, I’ve been chided for not have that tougher skin, that shield to bounce the bad ju-ju of others off me. Nope, I never could do it successfully for very long. In fact, many years ago I would actively try to save every soul until (finally) I learned this was a lost cause and slowly ruining my soul.

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My ruined soul??

But even working hard to create my own bubble–with my absorbent nature–stuff seeps in and I find myself struggling to stay afloat, focused, energized and positive myself. It’s often the chameleon effect. I try to stay upbeat, but it becomes slowly draining and the sponge, more and more full of water, can hold no more. Simply wrung out.

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Just blending in…..

When being in an environment that is consistently difficult, trying to stay afloat is like treading water to exhaustion. Nothing can float forever and eventually one dips below the surface and, well, disappears. One loses oneself no matter how hard you try.

This isn’t what I want. If I once lived below the ocean, while a beautiful and wondrous place I’m sure, I am now a creature of light. It’s where I belong and am meant to be. Some days I feel like it’s hard to be around others because of their energy…but maybe it’s because I just haven’t found my tribe yet.

Meanwhile, I rejuvenate when I’m alone, work hard not to absorb when around others and continue to keep my head above water following the sun while looking for my island.

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Ahhhh….peace….someday? Maybe?

Heal Thyself!


After a very long time of a myriad of what could be simple or strange symptoms, today I decided to do my usual googling, and may be onto something. I’ve decided that my perpetual feeling of being freezing, my extreme fatigue (after a decent 7 hours sleep), my unusually brittle and weirdly shaped nails, headache, joint pain and lots of other things may be attributed to an under active thyroid (hypothyroidism).

Now, I’m not sure why this might be the case, except I did read that this is not uncommon for a women reaching menopause to experience–and these symptoms do seem to have appeared in this time of life. And it’s time to stop brushing it off to the fact that I swim in a cold pool (because I’m always utterly freezing even if I didn’t swim) and I’m so fatigued that I could simply lay down and sleep most the time.

Because I’m me, I push my way through things anyway, but it’s time to take charge. I’m tired of feeling this way! And me being me, will try to do something simple things first before I run to a doctor.

Interestingly enough I am already doing some of the things like not eating gluten. And I exercise regularly. But one thing I do that is apparently bad is that I eat lots of soy! Who knew? So this will be a challenge because the readings said I should be eating high protein. It’s time to stop being lazy and get my protein (as a vegan) in better ways.

It also recommended certain vitamins such as iodine and selenium, and a few others. A good quality multi-vitamin had many of those stated, so I grabbed one tonight. There were also some strange herbal ones that I ordered. Hey, why not?

The foods I should be staying away from: like broccoli, cauliflower and the veggies in that family are ones I don’t particularly care for anyway. I personally feel that our bodies already know what is good and not good for us. And the ones I should be eating: like avocados and asparagus, I love!

So I will make a concerted effort to change a few things and see if I feel better. If not, then it’s off to my PCP and have my levels checked. But hopefully I can turn this around naturally. I’d much rather do that than stuff pills.

Here’s to healing ourselves!