Recently I was fortunate enough to reach another rung in the ladder of my life. One that has given me much puzzlement, anguish and lead me down many unsatisfying paths. It’s a part of my life I’ve spent searching for answers both internally and externally and has never seemed to turn out the way I had imagined.
But the other day, finally, after one final try–the epiphany came to me and I now know where I stand within myself and can breathe with ease. I no longer need to seek or to listen to anyone else’s advice, chiding or clichés about what I should be doing.
I received an email a week or so ago on my smart phone and I had no idea who had written it. Opening it cautiously, so as to not spam my computer (I did it on my phone), I found out it was from a man I had approached quite some time ago (well over a year) on match.com. At that point in my life, I was still hoping to date and maybe find a companion to meet for occasional things to do.
At that point in time, this person had already met someone and was polite enough to say that but I gave him my email in case anything changed in the future. Never in my wild imagination did I expect to hear from him again! One usually never does.
The relationship fell through for him, and since we had some things in common (mostly fire fighting things), he wrote me. I recalled him after he reminded me who he was and we exchanged some pleasant emails. Then some nice phone calls. He seemed a pretty decent guy so I decided to meet with him.
We did, in fact it was on Christmas day after the kids went their separate ways. We were fortunate enough to find a lone bar open! It was a nice afternoon exchanging pleasantries, sharing some food, laughs and stories. Yup, he was a sweet guy.
At the end of the visit, he asked where we would go from here. I was kind of stunned, because I really didn’t know. He had sort of fallen out of the sky at a time in my life where I had no interest in dating. But he seemed like a good person, so I left it at: let’s just see what happens.
A day or so passed and I found myself wrestling with it all! It was rather crazy. And then I woke up one morning soon after and realized in an instant, that no, I didn’t want to see him with the intention of dating him! It was like the fog of so many, many years suddenly cleared–just like that!
The only thing I could liken it to was loving to eat a certain food–you even craved it. So you ate it all the time. You made all sorts of dishes with this particular food, and was almost gluttonous about it.
And then one day you realized you were sick of it. You lost the taste for it, in fact it made you sick. The thought of it was too much, overload. So you decided to give it up for a long time. But it nags you that you have, because you used to love it so much–and people keep telling you that you should really try it again just in case you changed your mind. Once in a while you do try it, but you find it makes you feel bad when you do. And that’s when you realize you’d rather just hang onto the memories of when you loved it!
That’s where I’m at with relationships and men. I’ve been blessed really: three marriages, too many dates and short relationships to count. I’ve been there and done that so much that there’s really no need to go there again!
I’ve finally found me now. Underneath the layers of garbage that I’m slowly scraping away. The needy feeling I had to be with someone is gone. It’s so freeing! I’ve got three wonderful children and now I have myself. I’m still learning about that self. It may take a while. Honestly I don’t want anyone distracting me from that task.
There are some things in life that we can simply have too much of and then just grow tired because of overdosing. Relationships can be one of these things. But if we learn from them and don’t become bitter then there’s nothing wrong with flying solo. We must just realize who we are and what’s best for us and not let the outer world dictate our fate.