Poem: Dearest


Hands wrapped round

lonely lost child

hide and seek come out

and smile

Touched with warmth inside

the past slipping distant

sweet kiss

on lips long laughter gone

now sing sweet song

Close face pressed

cheek to virgin speaking

whisper soft past meaning

fondly lift heavy heart

away

away

 

 

 

 

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Poem: Birth


Out of the dark woozy womb

sliding toward the grasping fingers

They grab

then point

set a course to go

Crawling

knees of grass patterned words

written from The Mother

Until upright

feet meet pavement

and head far from the beginning

there is no turning back

It is black

unlit

Slipping farther away

deeper

Into no-one

or maybe

everyone

To wander and wonder

looking upon the staring reflection

and seeing

faceless recognition

Wanting to stick it

back in

and start over

 

 

Distraction


Tis the season for jing a ling and tra la la. Lots of shopping and running around. Too much Christmas music, tinsel and glitter or gathering for Hanukkah gelt and food of all kinds. Or whatever your holiday is, this is the time of year for…well, distraction.

Many of us may find much of this holiday season annoying: too much traffic, too many crowds, too much stuff and just plain too much consumerism. The holidays seem to have gotten away (in most cases) from what they were really supposed to mean and what all the symbols are meant to represent. I bet in many cases folks don’t know anymore. It’s just become: buy, buy, buy and rush, rush, rush and what’s on sale. They may know the basics, but unless you are deeply entrenched within your religious community, it’s all just Hallmark nonsense.

It’s exhausting and sad and often stressful.

But this was the first year I had an insight to it all.  Because the world has become such a harsh place and each year it only seems to get worse, maybe we all need this nonsense. Between the natural disasters and man-made horrors of the world, I truly believe we all suffer, on some deep level, from a global/connected/deep-seeded depression. Most of the time when we tune into what ever we tune into (our preferred media source), it’s some new calamity bombarding us. All year-long we must endure hearing about our fellow humans suffer, or our planet dying or animals being exterminated. It’s a wonder any of us get out of bed at all.

And then, along comes the holidays. Time for our own little fantasy world of tinsel and glitter, pretty lights and toys. And even magic and a crazy man, elves and reindeer bringing happiness to the whole world. And even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, you may still have your own holiday celebration within your own religious belief; one that brings your family together, one where you can remember better times and get time off from work.

All these holidays have one thing in common: they help us remember our past, not only our personal one when we were young and things were simpler and maybe happier; but our human past. That’s why they were celebrated in the first place; to acknowledge an important event in history.

And the days when many of us are celebrating our respective holidays on those special days specifically set aside for these historic days from our past, we are not thinking about all the terrible things going on presently that usually occupy our minds. This may be the most important gift of all.

For those precious moments at least, we can let our hearts and souls fill instead with the sounds of our families, children and homes (after the rush and stress have died down). The smells of cooking, the visits from those we haven’t seen, the familiar decorations all give a sense of well-being and safety. These feelings may be rare for us these days. So we lap it up in the swell of the holiday tide. This is the part we take for granted, the feelings, but this is the part of life we are missing every day in this painful world. This is what the holiday season gives us.  Positive feelings.

So, for the first time in many years, I say: go ahead and enjoy. Play the incessant Christmas music. I get all the lights and sparkly stuff.  Sure, I would still rather people not buy so much ‘stuff’ because it’s not good for the world, but I do understand better why they do…it’s for the feelings they produce. But mostly, I just understand the whole ‘thing’ of the holidays more this year: instead of global depression, it’s global jublilation.

Maybe that’s why they call it a magical time of year.

Poem: Keep On Walking


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Keep walking on

into the fretful night

where strangers surround your empty mind

maybe they fill that hollow hole

as your hobo self lurches forward

Keep walking

even after you’ve fallen

with your bruised knees

from the crawling you’ve done

to keep you low to the ground

But keep on walking

even though the horizon looks flat

because of the secrets it holds

it may bend to your will

as you approach

Keep on walking

with those weary old feet

which have carried you far

Keep walking

Keep walking

it won’t be long now

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Saving Me


Many years ago I did something that most think was to help someone else, but it was really to help me. It was actually not a selfless move to save a part of the world, but to save a part of me.

The journey began when I decided I wanted to adopt a baby. I am adopted as some of you may recall. It was not an easy journey, as I had criteria that made constraints that other people adopting might not have through their paths. It was my goal to stay within the US and to maintain birth order (my husband at the time and I had a 3-year-old), so when approaching an adoption agency, they showed us the ‘blue book’ of the “waiting children”–it appeared as though this might be impossible. Either we would have to take on siblings of 4 or teenagers. Neither of these situations seemed fair to my daughter.

But then the social worker mentioned foster care: the backdoor to adoption. At that time, 51% of foster children got adopted by their foster parents. It seemed like a reasonable plan to me, especially since I was a stay at home Mom anyway.

I won’t go through it all, because this is not what this post is about. Suffice to say, we became foster parents, eventually to a 2-year-old girl: mentally challenged, but high functioning, emotionally rocked by her first 2 years and HIV positive.

That toddler is now my 25-year-old daughter and she just had my first grandchild today–a little boy.

It has been a rocky road all along. My 3-year-old (now almost 28) has had a rough relationship with her, which has worsened as an adult. The birth daughter that came after her, has a distant, but OK relationship. And this daughter’s life has been one challenge after another. While her health is way better than anyone would have predicted (they figured she wouldn’t live past 9 years old), she has met with prejudice, job losses, school bullies and lots of tears.

She has been with her partner for many years, a young man who is also mentally challenged, more so than she. When she announced her pregnancy, we were all pretty upset. They are poor, with no jobs, living in abject poverty. While we help, there is only so much you can help those who often do not believe they need it.There was great concern for the welfare of a baby coming into these circumstances.

But she was determined, and her determination has always been one of her greatest (and sometimes most frustrating) attributes.
So today he was born. The doctors have taken every precaution, and so has she, that this baby be born HIV free. My daughter has tried very hard to take care of herself and many around her have been helping to get her hooked up with the proper services so there will be the best possible outcome down the road.

It is so easy to be negative, but success can’t happen unless we believe it is possible. Sometimes I think that she never thought much about her HIV and just figured she would live a normal life, so she has. And I understand her desire for baby, someone who belongs to her through genes, looks like her and comes from her. I get it when no-one else in my family may understand this–because we both have that connection, that mutual disconnect from our birth heritage.

So on this day, I will celebrate her decision and her new baby, my grand-baby. Because her adoption wasn’t about fixing her, it was to rescue a part of me.

Harmony


Tomorrow is the last day of a difficult two weeks. I’ve been ‘training’ someone who did not want to be trained and it’s been exhausting filling me full of negative energy. This person is one who seems to twist things people say and may have a large proverbial chip on her shoulder. I’m not sure what makes her tick, but whatever it is, somehow our vibrations were not in sync.

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My range of emotions were all over the place from depression, sadness, anger, frustration to hopelessness. Not much was good, but there were moments when I tried to believe that maybe I could make it right. These situations always baffle me and I never know why they come to be or my role in them. Some say that I have nothing to do with them, but I do not believe this is true. People’s energy always bounce off of each other, either positively or not. So it’s at least, in part, me.

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In the past, my reactions would almost always be negative, and, in my floundering to try to figure out what the heck was going on, everything would simmer often to a boiling point. It was hard for me not to blow up when someone was being what I felt was unreasonable or hurtful and I never worked hard enough to try to figure out why. My emotions would get the better of me and I would react.

Not that I am perfect, but now I try to take a breath, think less about my feelings when I’m calmer and get to a place of center. When I do, then I can ponder why this person might be acting the way they do and feel more compassion towards them. It still may be tough for me, but I try.

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In an effort to bring peace to the atmosphere and change the karmic movement, I decided today to gift this person. You can see here the harmony candle and card I will give her. She often seems unhappy, so I hope maybe this card will brighten her and I will write some words in the card that hopefully will build some bridges.

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I really have no idea if it will work, and I’m not going to put in great hopes. But I do know that just adding to the discord of the already miserable world certainly gains me nothing. And I’m certainly not walking my talk if I just sit around and grouse about it all. So…I’ll give it a shot.

Who knows? That good Karma may just help the other job applications I have out there too!

Happy Medium


We all have feelings. Some of us show them readily, some of us bury them and some of us let them pile up until they flow over like a spewing volcano. People smarter than me say holding things in can be unhealthy, but I have learned over time tempering my feelings hasn’t been such a bad thing either.

For years I heard the familiar advice of: don’t let that bother you so much or you care too much or you’re getting far too upset about that issue. I happen to be a person that feels deeply about things and shows it easily. We all have a range of positive feelings like love, joy, satisfaction, empathy and gratitude to name a few, while the negative feelings such as anger, sadness, frustration, hurt, disappointment and loneliness lurk inside us too.

If you are like me and we constantly tell others how we feel all the time–especially if it involves the negative emotions, and how they may have caused them. This becomes a burden to them I have found. Learning to cope within myself has been very helpful. Learning to stop before I share, and getting in touch with where the negative feelings are coming from and owning my piece of them, makes for more productive conversation.

But keeping all feelings in doesn’t seem productive either. That seems like filling a balloon with air–eventually it will pop! At some point, one must let some emotions go, good and bad to release the inner pressure. Learning how to communicate what one is feeling is the tricky part. Especially if one’s feeling involves being hurt by another person. I’m not saying this is easy, but keeping it in only hurts the person holding onto the pain.

I think the happy medium is neither what I used to do nor keeping everything in until one explodes. What I have come to conclude is first getting in touch with the feeling and why one may be feeling it. Exploring your part in it, not just the other person’s. Trying not to blame, but having empathy for that person’s position -as difficult as this may be. Taking time before approaching the feeling and person and then coming from a place of calm is possible–a place of a positive feeling when approaching a negative feeling! It seems anti-intuitive, but it seems to work.

Letting things out a little a time, not carrying things or pretending there are no negative feelings in life seems to make sense! And unless you are a Saint (which I am certainly not), then we will all face difficulties, walls, people who with churning stomachs and gritting teeth. Instead of getting angry or frustrated, take a breath. Stop before you speak or tuck the anger away (and it will come out sideways). Maybe you’ll find out just why this moment is making you angry and you can work your way through it without a volcanic eruption!

And remember to share all those difficult feelings, not just anger. Your sadness too is best dissipated when spread among others.

So there is a happy medium I believe between holding it all in and blabbing everything you feel. And if you have the need to tell all–there’s always your journal or blog!