Small Town


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Sometimes I wonder how pathetic I am.

Today there was a post on my Instagram account (if anyone wants it, please just let me know) from one of my friends who is hiking the Appalachian Trail. Very cool. The AT goes very near where I grew up in Connecticut. A lovely little town in the NW region…a very little town.

It got me reminiscing. I honestly have way too much time on my hands these days, because when I get in one of these moods, I can really get on the track of things. First I went on Google. That came up with some pretty typical stuff: the town page and all. I wasn’t too surprised to find that one of my Ex’s was listed as a prominent figure on the list of ‘important’ figures in the town. The town sexton actually. I had to look that one up: a sexton. In this case, they may be referring to taking care of the town?

I had contacted him a number of years ago as part of a healing process. We were married very many years ago (and divorced). He was very glad to hear from me (thank goodness), which isn’t totally surprising as he was really a very nice man. He still lives in this beautiful town in the family home. Cool.

After the Google search, I decided to dive further and went to YouTube. This was where I hit gold. There was a video of the town, apparently one of many (all the others to be found in the town library), that actually was a bit of a historical and present day visit to it. The best part was that it had actual footage of my Ex!! There he was making maple syrup, just like his Dad did many, many years ago.

It kind of hit me (this is where it gets pathetic I suppose), how life goes. I remember going out on freezing nights and checking the temperature of the sap to make sure it didn’t burn. And I think to now: what an amazing gift to still be participating. It’s just the kind of life I envision–we had envisioned long ago. What happened?

I look back on so much of my life and wonder about it. How a part of me must have known that some of the people I picked were right, but then I couldn’t see far enough to stick with it. What was it in me that didn’t have the ability to stay?

And now I’m simply so jumbled about it all to even want to step into it all again. It all felt so much simpler when I was young. Looking at someone and thinking you could be with them. But when I was actually there–I always seemed to see something else.

Now I don’t know what I see these days.

It’s so easy to get lost in these fields of that little town; in the hope and the green and sounds of the stream. Is it all just something from long ago? Or will I someday walk again in a place and feel something is right?

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Poem: The Bandit 


Bandit

you stole from me

when I wasn’t looking 

too busy not wanting 

wrapped up in it can’t happen

But there you were

digging away 

at my center 

until I surrendered 

And now maybe 

you have found me

buried under the debris 

scratching away long enough 

for me to be revealed 

So stay

don’t wander away 

or think of stealing bits

of me

and hiding them 

somewhere else 

Art: Blazing Hope


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Hope, I am perfectly willing to admit, is one of those things I’ve relied far too much on. My life hasn’t maybe been as tidy as I’ve wanted it to be, but I keep thinking it’s OK because I always have that thing called hope. It can be plastered on anything really and comes in handy for so many situations…

For you see, the discussions for me happen pretty much in my own head: over and over. That looping of thoughts, both of all the stuff that I shouldn’t have done–(it doesn’t last for too long anymore)–and that almost immediate glow of hope trying very hard to wipe out those other stale ruminations of the past.

So I talk with myself constantly (sometimes quite out loud)–trying to set the hope free: that burning hope. I figure if I keep this chatter on long enough, maybe eventually it will set ablaze and blast off into reality.

Chasing Butterflies


I’ve been watching lots of love stories and romantic comedies on Netflix lately. Maybe it’s because it’s spring and we have approached Beltane. Or maybe it’s something else?

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Is love beyond grasp?

I’m no stranger to love or relationships having had my fair share of both. But I’ve been single for a very long time now. Living alone is a beautiful thing with peaceful moments, the ability to control one’s own life and no disagreements over mundane things. This lifestyle has been one of choice and one I have sunk into as though it was a big comfy bed waiting to give me a good night’s rest. Believe me, I needed it.

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Single by choice!!

My marriages and relationships were all different, and while not awful, obviously didn’t meet my needs at the time. Nor did the subsequent relationships I tried (and tried) after. So finally, I threw in the cards and fell into the quiet solitude of a peaceful life.

Friends and family have tried to push me into relationships and insisted ‘the right one’ is just waiting around the corner. And all the movies I watch insist it must be so. These love stories show couples meeting in the most unlikely places and falling in love within minutes of meeting one another. It makes someone like me feel, well, rather inadequate.

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Maybe I am some alien creature??

When I take a really close look at myself and my situation though, I know that these movies are purely fiction and real life does not happen like this at all. Look as one may, it is quite unlikely one will find someone so easily.

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What do you find if you look closely??

Especially, I think, once such as me… Oh I know what you all must be thinking. But no, I really do not fit in the typical box in many respects. This goes for many aspects in my life and why I also have a limited circle of close friends too, often finding as people get to know me, they find me ‘too different’ to become near and dear.

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Always the squiggle surrounded by smooth shapes….

Mind you, I embrace this about myself! This off-beat, quirky part of me–but when it comes to meeting your average partner, well, yeah, not so much. I say this to you all there in my blogging community, because there are times that I wonder if I want to go through my whole life without sharing the love that I know I have inside me. Can I do it? Absolutely. But would it ever be possible to find that companion to share this crazy ride? It might be interesting at some point.

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Woo hoo….let’s celebrate together!!

Life is so random. Matching up with that other quirky/tolerant person is probably very unlikely. It’s like chasing butterflies hoping they will stop long enough to share their beauty with you. Ah and to feel the butterflies again….

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I have these butterflies at least….

Will it ever be so….???