Blessed


It’s rare these days that I have as bad a day as I did today. Or that I post something that is down in the dumps or negative. Over the years of my blog I’ve worked so hard to try to be upbeat and more positive in my life. But today I think maybe the storm left some residual pressure that has left my life a mess.

Everything that could go wrong seems to be. The most important thing is a major family emergency. And really, all things being equal, it’s the only important thing. But the other things that stressed me out were such bad timing, that for the first time in a very long time I really thought I might not be able to cope.

This blog has helped me so much to do just that: cope. My writing and sharing and meeting so many wonderful and dear people on my journey here has literally put my life back on course towards  a more content and peaceful one. It helps me clear my mind and soul while sorting out difficult moments or simply sharing my insights toward light.

Some may not understand this venue and some have other ways to get on during difficult times. To each their own. And this is not my only coping method, but it one of my very important ones. Especially during times of extreme pain or stress.

I’m feeling it now as I may be heading towards something extremely challenging. I do not know for sure, but I sense a potential change. Only my really dear and close friends respect what I am going through while most concentrate on their own lives. It’s a rare thing that people can put their own stuff aside (their anger, hurt, stresses, frustration) for the moment to concentrate on someone else’s needs. It’s a gift to be able to do it and only the kindest most compassionate of people can. And I am blessed with some who do.

And with them I will get through all my upcoming challenges. There will always be lonely times in my life anyway I know. Lonely because I say what I feel and am brutally honest, but those that really know me, love me anyway.

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Staying Awake


Someone said this to me recently and I thought it was quite interesting and relevant to my life:

“I just try to stay awake and see what comes into my awareness.” 

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So much of life (mine anyway) can easily get lost in a state of unawareness and a ‘sleepiness’ of the mind. With all the activity and hustle/bustle of the world around us, we can become easily distracted and therefore less focused on what’s right in front of us. And that’s not all really: in our own personal lives we all juggle many difficult issues, or even just responsibilities in general, so it can–at times–simply be overwhelming to stay awake and be aware.

My ADD type of personality too can be focusing on one thing, and then get pulled away by something more interesting, or loud, or colorful. Concentrating on the task at hand, or the person speaking to me can often be a challenge depending on the environment I’m in. Often I feel guilty that I don’t go out on weekends, but I recently realized that my introverted and ADD character simply needs to recharge for the next work week. When I am constantly bombarded, day after day with sensory data and distractions–it’s system overload.

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It’s within the quiet moments that I am at my best ‘staying awake’. And in these moments of alertness is when the magic can happen: creativity, peace, insight and clarity. My deep awareness becomes enlightened and I see things more sharply, smell odors more deeply and hear with more resonance.

This blog has helped me to stay awake. Gathering material has helped me to be a seeker, keeping a watchful eye for beauty or curious photos. Listening to things now, I hear them wondering what they mean on a different level. It has awakened another part of me.

Maybe the older we get, the more awake we get–I would hope at least–and the more aware we become to the world around us. We’ve walked among our fellow humans longer so have a wider perspective-or should anyway. Our memory banks are filled with many resources from years of experiencing life.

So now our job is to simply remember not to slumber through life, not to let life’s drag on us keep our eyelids heavy to the world around us. And if they can remain open and seeking, then maybe–hopefully, something interesting will come into our awareness. And this is what brings meaning to our lives.

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Too Late?


Lately I’ve been struggling. Most of you will feel me foolish I’m sure, but I will put it out there none the less, because this is partly why I blog. This is not a pretty uplifting post, so don’t read it if you want happy…

Some of it is where I’m at in my life right now, but a bigger part is simply what is going on around me in the world. It seems I read somewhere, or maybe heard, about people suffering from a sort of depression because of global decay. Maybe I have this cloaking me?

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That part I’m sure most of you can relate to…I mean you know about the global decay around us at least. Whether or not it pulls at you is another story. But if you are the least bit human, there have to be some times where you must, like me, just want to put your hands to your ears and say: enough.

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Where to begin? Just listing all the awful things going wrong now with our planet and with each other is enough to make me want to crawl into a cave an never come out. And when I remotely think how we are contributing to it all…well, then I actually get physically ill. Yes, I know, I know–I’m supposed to think happy thoughts and be grateful for my life and all. But how can I when there is so much destruction going on around me? Just because it’s not right next to me, doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

The simple thing would be to never turn on my radio or look at my computer. Simply stick my head in the sand and make my move to live off in the wild somewhere and not pay attention. Don’t laugh, I’ve thought about this plan. There are many folks planning this life. They are building their shelters, stocking their food and water, (and probably guns)– and preparing…. Preparing for the day when there isn’t much left.

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Could it happen in my life time? Surely major changes in my children’s life time. Ugh. Sometimes this makes me feel guilty. What earth did I give them? Is it a dying one?

But the real dilemma for me is how to live now? There are some things that I do that are good, but most things only contribute to the bad stuff. And the older I get, the more I am aware that most people around me don’t seem to notice or care. It is really painful for me. Yes, it’s really pain…if only mental anguish that I should stop everything I’m doing right now, get off this ride and change my life completely. Stop being the hypocrite that I am.

As each day passes, and I get older and older, I hope that someday I will be able to live out a life where I don’t feel a part of the machine. That grinding, chewing, chomping machine that is eating this planet and everything on it, and turning us into zombies.

Hopefully we will wake up from the dead some day and see what we are doing to our Mother, and to each other, before it is too late. Or maybe it already is……

 

 

 

Chillin’


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So here it is: the new computer! This time it’s a real laptop. I’ve been using a chromebook which is OK, but has major limitations, like it’s nearly impossible to print with it.

It was time to upgrade. This one is pretty sweet, despite learning Windows 10. Ugh. That has been a nuisance, but mostly because I am a creature of habit.

Currently I have a Comcast tech rewiring the cable. Yes, I know: I am a traitor again. Back to the evil empire. But the Verizon data plan, even with 18g
of data, is somehow disappearing. The whole router thing just didn’t work — I could never watch movies or YouTube without worrying about chewing up data. It got too annoying. My life can be too stressful enough now at work  (sadly), if I want to watch  a movie, then I don’t want to worry about data for goodness sake!

I’m free now. Honestly, I have no love for any of these huge companies. But every once in a while you may get a decent tech to the house  (my guy was a lovely man here from Haiti), or less likely,  a competent representative on the phone.  When you do though, it’s like a breath of fresh air. They really seem to care and speak like real humans, not computer drones. It makes me utterly grateful.

So now I will relax, watch what I want, listen to music and no more counting gigabytes. Just gonna chill.

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Just chillin’

Waiting


How many times in life do we wait? If we think about it, we probably spend most of our lives waiting for something! Sometimes good things, sometimes bad things–but it seems like minutes, days, weeks are spent simply waiting….

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  • For the bus or a friend to take us to work; or our car to warm up.
  • The divorce papers to go through or the wedding date to arrive.
  • Nine months of wondering what sex the baby will be or wading through the adoption proceedings, or if the in-vitro took.
  • Wondering if the kid will ever be potty trained and then if they will ever grow up to be respectful, loving adults.
  • For vacation to come–or even the weekend.
  • The doctor’s call with results of the tests.
  • Months of treatments and sickness to be over.
  • One more minute of sobriety turning into years.
  • Enough money.
  • Your birth family to show up one day.
  • Morning to arrive and a glorious sunrise/bedtime after a grueling day.
  • The kids to all get along.
  • Forgiveness.
  • Waking up every day with joy and no worries.
  • Never looking back.
  • For your dog to actually talk.
  • The end of that triathlon, marathon, 5K.
  • Life to really begin.
  • The perfect blog piece.
  • The yelling to stop or the bruises to heal.
  • Summer to come or maybe winter if you like snow.
  • A miracle.

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How many more? What are you waiting for…? We wait for so much!

It feels like we’re often standing on the edge of a cliff and we don’t know what’s down below. But as we get closer, our heart thumps in our chests and peering over can be the death of us. So, we must just stand back and be patient–something that is not a virtue of mine!

Today I wait to hear the final word on the new job. Nothing huge really in the grand scheme of the list, but for some reason I feel nervous. Sleeping will be hard tonight–I’ll be up tossing and turning and, well, waiting. Why couldn’t they have emailed today?

But such is life: dots of doing little things connected by endless moments of waiting. So that, my blogging friends, is what I will continue to do…..

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Open Doors


Home today…mental health day after yet another miserable day at work caused by others. I’m resting and thinking once again about the future.

Something is afoot. I’m feeling it. If I had someone to read my astrology chart, I believe they would say times they are a-changin’. And I believe good things are ahead.

Already some people are back in my life that I know will be making a difference. A dear friend just returned from his two plus years in the Peace Corps. We were thick as thieves before he left, but could not be as in touch while he was in Africa. I’m delighted to have him back.

A less close pal has also drifted into my life, and we speak almost daily too. This has been a calming influence on my life in time where I have needed it. And there have been deepening relationships with other old and dear friends that just continue to grow, ripen and blossom.  New friendships too, sprung from this very blog, are cherished even though I may never actually meet these wise and funny people.

So I am comforted by the fact my life is shifting. And moves that are to make for peace in my life must be made now. I’ve been nervous to do so before because of lack of confidence, or simply resting in the status quo of my daily grind. But now I must take the leaps.

I’m putting my faith in the fact that nothing has to be finite. Any change I make can be unmade. Some not so easily, but forging forward is sometimes just what needs to be done. My mother used to say: when one door closes, another opens. Sometimes in ways we don’t even imagine.

I certainly hope she was right.

Blogging For Growth


“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” –Anais Nin

This morning I was writing in my personal journal and this quote happened to be on the bottom of the journal page I was writing on. Part of what I was writing about was my blog and how much it has come to mean to me, how it has made me grow and what I have gained from it. As it happens so often, we see little things that serendipitously go along with what we feel or need, just like this quote.

When I started this blog, it began more as an exercise in writing and somewhere to put my photos. While I was still on Facebook then and did display my pictures there, my “voice” was rarely shared, and only then in short comments. I’ve always loved to write and have done so in the past. After having my astrological chart read by a friend, it blasted all over it: WRITE, so I decided it was time to find a venue.

Knowing my writing wasn’t professional or good enough to publish, someone suggested blogging. That seemed the ticket. It was free, easy and a perfect way to express myself openly. If I was lucky enough, maybe some people would even read my essays. The first time I got a hit, I was literally amazed! So now, at almost 500 followers, I’m ecstatic.

But I realized today, my blogging has gone way beyond my being able to share with others. It has brought something to me on such a deeper level. Or rather it has let me be the me I already am, but be able to express it now out loud. And this is a beautiful thing (for me).

Since as long as I can recall I’ve always been an observer. Not only an observer, but a story-teller. Even as a young child–an only child–I would make up huge tales, out loud, even if no-one was listening to keep myself amused. I would talk to trees, animals, the wind….any’thing’ that would listen. If a person would listen-or even if they wouldn’t, I would talk. I’m not so different now.

And as soon as I could write, I did. The important thing is that I was observing the world around me. As an adult, and now especially as I become more and more aware, my blog has helped me go deeper. Everything has potential to be material.  It’s made me hyper-aware. It’s made me a better listener, more observant, a critical thinker. Overall, I hope, a better person.

It’s given me the time to slow down and create. This, versus, just reading the garbage on Facebook. And I’ve made some wonderful friends on my blog. Other creators and artists. I’ve learned some amazing things too and traveled all around the world through other’s blogs. Everything is fair game now in my mind for my blog.

I’ve become like a reporter, author, photographer, comedian,  an autobiographer and poet all wrapped into one. It’s liberating, humbling, challenging and made me grow so much. My mind is always whirring away now in everything I do: what will make a good photo? Will this make a good piece for my blog? It keeps my mind active and healthy. It gives me the opportunity to experiment without fear of rejection.

So I thank the stars, literally, for giving me this opportunity. And I thank all of you for supporting this fancy. For without you, I’d still be that child just talking to myself! And honestly, this is way better!

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My Thanksgiving


 

As this “Thanksgivukkah” comes to end, I’ve spent it by myself as I usually do. I’ve not heard from two of my three daughters and the above picture shows my ‘thanksgiving dinner.’ I’ve had a very nice and relaxing, but untraditional day. I’ve spent it alone and not with family and there hasn’t been a turkey (well not a dead one) anywhere near here.  But I’m content. I slept a record 12 hours, I did my yoga, I took a very chilly walk with the dogs, talked with my Mom and some friends and simply relaxed. All things that gave me pleasure and peace and brought me thankfulness.

So for those of you other singles out there that may have spent this holiday alone in the blogosphere, I say: I hope you had a good day. We are never completely alone as long as we can log onto our wordpress account and check in and see what all our friends are doing! Have a great rest of the holiday!

Award: The Versatile Blogger Award!


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I have been happily awarded this lovely award. Here are the rules…

The rules of this award are as follows:

1.  Display the award certificate on your website.
2.  Announce your win with a post and include a link to whoever presented your award.
3.  Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers.  Create a post linking to them and drop them a comment to tip them off.
4.  Post 7 interesting facts about yourself.

I was awarded this award by http://winterowls.com/–Thanks so much! It’s a lovely website. Please check it out. Lovely artwork.

The following are 15 deserving bloggers:

1.   http://lingeringvisions.wordpress.com/ Great photography and writing!

2.  http://createdcreate-it.com/ Photoblog… very creative.

3. Alice: (http://alleysbackstreets.wordpress.com/) -Personal pictures with heartfelt captions.

4. Mary Strong-Spaid – (http://storieswithnobooks.com/)Awesome photography and poems.

5. saltypalette -(http://saltypalette.wordpress.com/) Amazing photos and captions.

6. seedbud – (http://leafandtwig.wordpress.com/)So many photos and stories of leaves and twigs!

7. jenfbs – (http://iblogitasiseeit.wordpress.com/)Just getting started with photos and stories.

8. sufey (@SufeySuryananadi) -(http://sufey.org/) Just fun!

9. Clyde – (http://vintageforde.wordpress.com/)Good poetry and a thoughtful fan.

10. Umesh Sharma -(http://wildernesstravel.wordpress.com/) Fabulous traveling photos.

11. aleafinspringtime – (http://aleafinspringtime.wordpress.com/)Lovely photos and sensitive writing.

12. A Nature Mom-(http://anaturemom.com/) Such a sweet blog, so fun.

13. yerpirate -(http://managuagunntoday.wordpress.com/) I love this blog…to see the heart of man.

14. Crazy Irishman – (http://crazyirishman.wordpress.com/)Another great poetic guy!

15. kayleebakes -(http://kayleebakes.wordpress.com/) More wonderful photos and captions.

I don’t know if the following facts will be interesting, but…….

1. I use henna to color my hair.

2. I ran the 1982 Boston marathon and I even qualified for it.

3. When I was 6 years old and in camp, I would sit with this giant bull pine tree and talk to it and hug it and water it. I’m still a tree hugger today.

4. I talk to myself. I think it comes from growing up an only child.

5. My belly button is pierced.

6. I’ve been married three times and dated more than I’d like to admit, but I’m single now.

7. Most days I feel like my little dog is my best friend.