Finding One’s Purpose


Today my middle daughter came over to see me. It’s rare that she does and today it was for a reason. This daughter has struggled most her life with a multitude of disabilities: emotional,  health, psychological and even, to some, degree physical. We were all shocked (even her) when she finally got her driver’s license and they issued her a handicapped plate for her small stature!

She came into our family when she was two years old as our foster child and we adopted her some years later. The family blending has never been easy, for any of us, but especially for her. Family life, school life, her social life and just life in the ‘real’ world has been a challenge for my daughter. But she plows on.

At 19 it was time to graduate HS. I wanted her to stay on, stay plugged into HS and continue to get as many skills she could to deal with the big, bad world. But the odds were against me. The teachers wanted only to push her out, my ex-husband didn’t want to fight with them and my daughter couldn’t wait to get out and be an ‘adult’.

So off she went, completely unprepared for what awaited her! And of course, spend three years unemployed. She also moved in with her boyfriend’s parents and has spent many unhappy moments there. Since then she has found a job here and there, but is usually fired as she is ‘too slow’ according to most reports from management. This is hard for her to hear as she is a hard worker and so willing to do anything.

These cumulative years of unemployment and being fired brought her sadness and discouragement. Finally there was hope when she was hired by none other than the huge corporation of Wal-Mart! Generally I hate that place, but was pleased they were giving a disabled person a chance. And she’s been flourishing there for many months.

Until I heard from her yesterday. She called me to tell me they instituted a new blood born pathogen policy. My daughter may or may not be a lot of things, but one thing she knows about is this topic! She has studied it, researched it, read about it and most importantly: LIVED it! So when she read it, she knew something wasn’t right. Now while she doesn’t comprehend things so well, I read it too and saw immediately she was correct.

The policy not only left out important facts, but appears to be violating basic medical rights. It’s sketchy and looks like it is hard-arming employees into doing something that they should not have to do. My daughter focused on this and said: NO, I will not do this and don’t have to because I have rights!

I explained to her that if she pushed management she would mostly likely be subjected to losing her job. She fully understood this fact. She said: I lived with this disease my whole life and am saying: no more. I never felt more proud in my whole life! Here’s a kid who struggled for years to find a job and a purpose, when all along, it was right there under her nose! She’s an advocate. And who better to be one, then someone who lives with this every day of her life?

We all struggle to find our life’s purpose. Some know from a young age that we are born to help others, or to be an astronaut, or to sing, paint, write or teach. But those of you who are like me are still struggling. Purpose can be elusive and slippery. It may not be a career that we do, but a characteristic we have; we might be a giving person that touches every person we meet. Or maybe we volunteer at many local organizations. We might have dedicated our lives to being the best parent we could be. That might be our life’s purpose. Maybe it’s caring for our planet by being a vegetarian, gardening, recycling, using solar and going off the grid. Our religious beliefs may guide us towards our purpose on earth too.

Maybe we’ve never looked closely at what our purpose might be. Or like me, I frequently toss in bed wondering what it is supposed to be. I’m sure my daughter hasn’t worried about it one bit. But it was so clear to me what hers must be. She has touched my life in many ways for sure. My journey with her and her HIV status opened my eyes to other’s struggles. We never know the inner struggles someone may have that we cannot see. Whether in their blood or in their soul, mind or heart. But they too may have a purpose for being here, like you.  And we must all help one another cultivate, share and expand our purposes here on this planet we call home.

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World AIDS Day


World AIDS day holds special meaning to me. It does because of my daughter and her HIV status. My journey with her has been long, interesting and has deepened me as a person. I’ve met so many courageous men, women and children–many of them living with the disease, and many of them helping those who do. I feel lucky to have walked this path.

My first real up close encounter with HIV was back in the late 70’s. I was living in an apartment within a huge old house in Connecticut. Still a college student, I was living off campus with the man who would be my first husband. There were three apartments in this house. The apartment downstairs was occupied by a female grad student in forestry and upstairs by a gay man who worked for the phone company.

We were all friends…like family really. Sharing meals, stories and life together. I was the youngest of all of them, so looked up to them. The guy upstairs would always relate stories of going to ‘the baths’ in Hartford where he would meet other men. None of us thought much of this at the time–not even him I imagine. AIDS wasn’t anything we really thought much about.

He ended up moving out to San Francisco–Connecticut didn’t provide a good lifestyle for him. We were happy for him and hoped he found happiness. He gave me a rocking chair and a sweater before he left. I lost touch with him and the gal that lived downstairs. But when the epidemic hit, I was always fearful of what became of him. He had been so vulnerable visiting those baths every weekend. I never did hear. But I have moved the rocking chair with me all these years…..

We were told when we adopted my daughter at 2 years old that she wouldn’t live past 9 or so. This was the life expectancy back then. She’s going to be 22 on December 4th. It was very hard at first. Even being educated, we were nervous bringing HIV into the home back then. I will admit it! She was two and I had a three-year old! But we learned quickly and it was fine.

It wasn’t easy for her as a little child: dragging around an IV pole, IV sticks all the time, blood work, constant doctors appointments, medicines. But she was a miracle kid with her viral load always undetectable! They just couldn’t figure it out. I always figured it was because she never paid any attention to it–never worried about it. Even now, her counts are still very good. Luck? Good genes? She doesn’t live in the greatest of environments now, or eat very well, but at least she had a good start.

I’ve been so fortunate to have met some amazing people along the way. The kids in clinic are so amazing. They have such spirit. They have been dealt a card and playing it like winners. And there was one Mom that became my friend. Her life was so rough. As a parent not only did she have to deal with the disease herself and the addiction that put her there, but also the guilt of passing it to her child! But she had the strength of 10 of me. She taught me a lot about addiction–something I needed later in my life when someone close to me was going through it. She said once to me, “There’s only one thing you need to change in your life when you’re addicted and that’s everything.” No truer words were said. I believe this woman is no longer alive.

HIV kept my daughter from going to a daycare where we had just moved. We didn’t want to make a fuss because we knew how these small towns worked. She ended up getting bussed somewhere great. Years later the same place (with new directors) offered a spot to my youngest daughter because they knew the story. Good karma. The elementary school started Universal Precautions because of my daughter too. We were vocal and open about her status to help educate people. Sometimes this helped, sometimes it hurt.

All in all, it has been an amazing experience. My daughter is an amazing spirit. It has been an incredibly rough road for her. She is mentally challenged too, so this makes it twice as hard. But she holds her head high and is proud of who she is and embraces all of herself. Sometimes I’ve had to tell her to be not quite as vocal! Now happily these kids from the 80’s are living long and healthy lives! It’s a manageable disease in this country, like diabetes.

A dear friend is in Africa with the Peace Corps doing AIDS work. It’s the other parts of the world that suffer still. We have come so far, but they have yet so far to go. Awareness is still not there. I am thankful to have been given the opportunity for this journey and when the call came to take a little HIV positive toddler in my home, that I said yes. I only pray the work continues in all parts of the world, and every woman, man and child gets the opportunity to live a healthy life.

Why Am I…?


“NASHVILLE, Tennessee (Reuters) – A deadly outbreak of infections linked to tainted steroid injections is approaching 500 cases nearly two months after it began, and health experts said on Wednesday it was unclear whether the epidemic had peaked amid new risks facing patients.”–Yahoo News

THANKFUL

“ST. LOUIS (AP) — The worst U.S. drought in decades has deepened again after more than a month of encouraging reports of slowly improving conditions, a drought-tracking consortium said Wednesday, as scientists struggled for an explanation other than a simple lack of rain.”–Yahoo News

THANKFUL

“NEW YORK (AP) — A balding garment salesman was arrested Wednesday for systematically killing three shopkeepers as they worked alone in their clothing stores and had been poised to strike again, police said.”–Yahoo News

THANKFUL

“RAWALPINDI, Pakistan (Reuters) – A suicide bomber killed 13 people at Shi’ite processions in the city where Pakistan’s army is headquartered on Wednesday night, highlighting the country’s security challenges a day before it hosts leaders from Egypt, Iran and other developing nations.”–Yahoo News

THANKFUL

“LAGOS, Nigeria (AP) — An official says two road accidents that took place an hour apart have claimed 25 lives on a northern Nigerian road.”–Yahoo News

THANKFUL

“Welch says more than 1 million women have been overdiagnosed with breast cancer over the past 30 years. And the problem continues.”–NPR.ORG

THANKFUL

“Hostess is now free to fire its 18,000 workers and “take advantage of outside interest in its brands, which a banker said could fetch up to $2.4 billion.”–NPR.ORG

THANKFUL

“Mohammad Ajmal Kasab, the lone surviving gunman from the three-day attack on Mumbai in November 2008 that killed more than 160 people, has been hanged in India.”–NPR.ORG

THANKFUL

“Infections in the Middle East and the North Africa have increased by more than 35 percent over the past decade. And, HIV seems to be on the rise again in Eastern Europe and Central Asia after remaining steady for years.”–NPR.ORG

THANKFUL

*******

It is endless

And I am humble

It is luck

And I am grateful

Toss of the dice

Throw of a card

Our worries are small

Most days

Our gratitude

Forgotten every day

One day we eat

And are

THANKFUL

Remember and be

THANKFUL

Every day!

National Adoption Month-Post 3: My Daughter


There were two things I always knew I always wanted to do: have a birth child and have an adopted child. As an adoptee I wanted to be a mom to both kids for different reasons. I wanted a birth child because I wanted at least one person on this earth that I could look at that looked like me. This seems like a hard concept for most people to grasp. But for people who have it, it’s easy to take for granted yet really vitally important. But I also felt a pressing need to adopt, partly because I wanted more than one child (I was an only and hated it) and felt that populating the earth wasn’t fair when there were so many kids needing homes–and partly because I felt so fortunate to have been adopted.

First I gave birth to my daughter–no easy task as I didn’t do pregnancy or birth well. But eventually she grew up to be a darling 3-year-old. Then I was ready to contemplate adoption. We knew we wanted to adopt a child from the US as there was plenty of need within this country. And we wanted to maintain birth order. We we willing to take on difficulties too. But when we started to research and talk to some agencies, it got very complicated. Most of the children that were really in need were either  older or came with multiple siblings. That was beyond what we were willing to tackle.

But in one social agency the woman we talked to suggested foster care. She said that fostering was a ‘back door’ to adoption. At that time 51% of the children in the state where we lived at the time got adopted by their foster families. So this was our ticket!  It would be a long, grueling process of  year-long classes. We couldn’t miss one class–not the well-known blizzards of this area could be an excuse or you would have to start all over!

We made it through…and then waited!  Waited for the phone call. We had asked for a baby.  Our first baby was very, very disabled. I fell in love with her and so hoped she would stay. But a family member came forward and wanted her and off she went. I was heart-broken. Then another baby came. She was addicted to crack and an African-American baby. She only stayed three days before she was placed with a family of color. Then we waited and waited and waited. I thought they had forgotten us.

And one day we got the call. Did we want a two-year old? That was a bit older than I had planned…. And oh, by the way, she was HIV positive. I was stunned. While I was not uneducated, I also wasn’t prepared to bring a two-year HIV positive child into my home with a three-year old. So I asked if I could make some phone calls first.

The first was to my cousin in Boston-he was (is) a pediatrician in a clinic there. I told him the situation. He said: there has never been a reported case of one family member passing to another. And this was before they knew how it was spread. If you want to do it, I say go for it! The next call was to the clinic where she was being treated. I called as a hypothetical person calling to find out about what it would be like to have a two-year old living with it in my house with another child. Well, this clinic knew immediately who I was talking about and begged me to take her. So then, she became real and there was no turning back.

I got pregnant when she came to live with us. Very much NOT planned. And those were some crazy times. My daughter was like the Tasmanian devil. She didn’t know rules, or words or any right from wrong. It was very trying on all of us. But we gutted our way through it all…days of clinic, doctors appointments, therapists and visits with her birth mom. With a little help from my friends.

And then came the decision/need to move out of state. We knew what we wanted to do, but would be able to do it? Could my foster daughter become my adopted daughter? I didn’t want to leave without her. But it wasn’t up to me. Her mother had to agree. And sadly the state had a lot to do with the decision.

The workers waited until we were almost ready to leave before they even asked her if she would be willing to give up her rights. I remember a painful phone call from my daughter’s mother asking me if she was doing the right thing by letting her go with us. Now this was a woman whose life had been very hard: filled with drugs, prostitution, jail and much pain. I told her: if you’ve ever done anything in your life more right–this is it. And I promised her she would be able to see her, talk to her or whatever as much as she wanted. And that my daughter would have her last name as her middle name always. And she does still. Her birth mother never even came to court to contest it.

And I told my daughter as she grew older, that’s how much your mom loved you. Because she knew it would be best. Her mom died when she was about 10. She died of AIDS. My daughter on the other hand, who they told me would only live to be about 9, is almost 22 and going strong. She has some mental disabilities, but we deal. And she has a sunny disposition most days.

It used to make me crazy when people would say how wonderful I was for adopting her. But people don’t understand: it was the only path I could take in my life. It had nothing to do with being good or wonderful. It’s funny but while I was in the process of adopting her and her mom was giving up her rights–I was also in the middle of searching for my birth mom. It’s just part of the natural cycle of an adoptee. It’s also why I understood what my daughter would need from her mother and would never keep any of her story from her. I fought too hard to get mine.

So while I have my birth kids to look at and see stuff that’s similar, my adopted daughter and I find parallels in our lives too. It’s pretty cool and we often joke about it. We are going to celebrate National Adoption Month together. And when my youngest birth daughter comes home she said she wants to celebrate with us. Because, after all, we’re all family.