For some time now (years?) I have felt this pervasive feeling of edginess, dissatisfaction and unsettleness. It has come in waves at various times throughout the last years, as part of my life has waxed and waned: kids coming and going, my career swelling or hibernating, men drifting in and out of my life. But on the whole it has been there–a solid undercurrent, flowing through my veins, something constantly just under the surface of my vision all the time.
After my accident five weeks ago this current of feeling has seemingly burst out and has landed right in front of me. It has put itself in my line of vision so it has become impossible for me not to notice. I’ve been trying to ignore it, to pretend life is OK. To go on as if nothing has happened, that I’m happy with where I live, with my job and with my life. But when I lay in bed at night, or I have a quiet moment-like walking the dogs at 5 am, – or when I’m talking to someone about my life, it smacks me right in the face.
So I’ve decided to look at it right in the eyes. To stop ignoring it and see what is really there. And to answer some really hard questions. Ones that have plagued me since the accident–well, that have plagued me for years. Am I truly happy? And if I’m not, just how far am I willing to go to change my life?
When I really answer that question: the answer is no. I am not basically happy with the life I am living now. With where I live and what I am doing. I’ve known it all along really, but haven’t had the guts to take the plunge to change it. I kept setting goals for myself like when the kids were gone. But they have all been gone for a while now. And then I convinced myself I was still OK. I guess I needed a traumatic event to make the picture clear.
Facing death so startlingly and then the weeks after makes one re-evaluate so much. I know it sounds cliché. But it’s true. And as my brain rattled around inside my head, I guess it shook up my status quo. And it settled everything back in a different place, a different order and gave me the confidence to make the change I’ve been wanting…needing to make.
And now I am formulating the plan. I’ve always been a person that made hasty decisions. I know this can’t be one. Because it’s big and life altering. But I also know it’s right. On many levels: for me and for others. There will be much to do to make it happen, but hopefully I will get my joy back. And for me, just having a plan is so healing.
New horizons maybe? Hopefully! And I will take you all with me on my journey on this second half….