Facing The Monster

Accusers and accused. There are many of these both in the news lately. Whose stories are true? What side do we choose to believe? And why do the stories seem to play out the same way each time?

At least that how it seems to me, but could we change the ending somehow? A woman comes forward to accuse a man of some kind of sexual assault from their past. The man is a high-profile figure so the story hits the news, but we all know that these stories have struck a chord because so many women have had similar experiences in their lives (including me).

Once the man stands accused, he usually claims he didn’t do it–in a very loud voice–until it turns out that we learn he did because other women come forward, or investigation into his past concludes it was true. So why then do these men say they didn’t do it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, especially with the most recent allegations which are particularly disturbing to me, and I came up with this conclusion.

Many of us hold parts of our past we would rather forget (me included); ones that when we dare look back on them produce feelings of shame and regret. So rather than look at them, we compartmentalize them or even pretend they didn’t happen. We may actually believe they didn’t. Some folks are particularly good at this skill and humans are quite resilient and can learn to adapt to their dirty deeds and go on quite well.

What happens, though, when someone comes along and opens the door to the shame that has been hidden away and it shows its nasty head. The obvious reaction would be to say: no, no–of course I didn’t do that thing! It wasn’t me. That beast has been hiding so long it has become unfamiliar, a part of ourselves we have chosen to forget.

But, as this creature stands before us a while, I feel it should begin to take shape and start to become more visible. Letting it out of the box to stand out in the open and taking a good look at it instead of denying it, can actually help defuse its power. Because ultimately it is a part of us, no matter how bad it was, it was something we did. The first part of letting go is admitting to something.

At this point, if the accused could then face the accuser and simply say: yes, I did it, it was bad and I’m sorry I hurt you–how would that change the story? Would we all feel differently? Could then the accuser introduce forgiveness into the equation? Maybe. Hopefully.

And then maybe the healing could really begin: for everyone.



4 thoughts on “Facing The Monster

  1. When so much time has passed, what choice does a man really have but to deny deny deny? To admit to his transgressions destroys every persona he has worked years to cultivate. The image his wife, children, family, friends, co-workers, and the public have of him is destroyed. By denying he can at least hold onto the doubt. People will still never look at him the same but they will look and wonder if he is a creep instead of being sure. That’s one theory. The other is he remembers it differently or it was such a blip on the screen to him he doesn’t remember it at all. We (the public0 will most likely never know. I doubt there is a blue dress in this one.
    In the end it all comes down to ego.

  2. So well written Amy! I think you hit the nail right on the head… I can’t really imagine what is going to happen next in this quagmire……..although I think He really shouldn’t be on the court with this Questionable background….the court which doesn’t want to give women control over their own bodies….in dating and Procreation….what is it that republican women can’t see?

    Sent from my iPad


  3. This whole administration has been one big mess, so I fear anything is possible. But I agree, he shouldn’t be allowed at this point because it would be hard to have faith in his decisions about women. I would feel much better if he could simply just say: I did something bad back then and I am so very sorry about it. I have lived a much better life since then. We all obviously have done things we wish we hadn’t and need to beg for forgiveness. To me it’s this indignant attitude that he can rise above it all that shows he is absolutely guilty and should go down for it.

  4. For me admitting and apologizing would elevate his persona! It would make him a person of high morals and truth. Instead he shows himself of obvious guilt and cowardice by the way he is speaking to the ones asking him the questions and hiding behind his fear and shame. And I agree, he has been used to being in a position of high ego, where he was the judge doing the asking, so this belittles him; but a truly good/great man would rise above it all! Obviously he’s not one of these….and therefore, does not deserve a position on the highest court in the land!

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