Small Town


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Sometimes I wonder how pathetic I am.

Today there was a post on my Instagram account (if anyone wants it, please just let me know) from one of my friends who is hiking the Appalachian Trail. Very cool. The AT goes very near where I grew up in Connecticut. A lovely little town in the NW region…a very little town.

It got me reminiscing. I honestly have way too much time on my hands these days, because when I get in one of these moods, I can really get on the track of things. First I went on Google. That came up with some pretty typical stuff: the town page and all. I wasn’t too surprised to find that one of my Ex’s was listed as a prominent figure on the list of ‘important’ figures in the town. The town sexton actually. I had to look that one up: a sexton. In this case, they may be referring to taking care of the town?

I had contacted him a number of years ago as part of a healing process. We were married very many years ago (and divorced). He was very glad to hear from me (thank goodness), which isn’t totally surprising as he was really a very nice man. He still lives in this beautiful town in the family home. Cool.

After the Google search, I decided to dive further and went to YouTube. This was where I hit gold. There was a video of the town, apparently one of many (all the others to be found in the town library), that actually was a bit of a historical and present day visit to it. The best part was that it had actual footage of my Ex!! There he was making maple syrup, just like his Dad did many, many years ago.

It kind of hit me (this is where it gets pathetic I suppose), how life goes. I remember going out on freezing nights and checking the temperature of the sap to make sure it didn’t burn. And I think to now: what an amazing gift to still be participating. It’s just the kind of life I envision–we had envisioned long ago. What happened?

I look back on so much of my life and wonder about it. How a part of me must have known that some of the people I picked were right, but then I couldn’t see far enough to stick with it. What was it in me that didn’t have the ability to stay?

And now I’m simply so jumbled about it all to even want to step into it all again. It all felt so much simpler when I was young. Looking at someone and thinking you could be with them. But when I was actually there–I always seemed to see something else.

Now I don’t know what I see these days.

It’s so easy to get lost in these fields of that little town; in the hope and the green and sounds of the stream. Is it all just something from long ago? Or will I someday walk again in a place and feel something is right?

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4 thoughts on “Small Town

  1. You’re not at all pathetic! It’s just hard to look back and think, “what if?” And part of the problem with aging is that we can never get back to the innocence of your youth when all things seemed possible. (Key word being “seemed.”) And I think whether we stay in one place, or one relationship, or not, we always wonder did we make the right choice. I hope you are feeling better about everything soon….

    1. I’m not sure there was much innocence to get back Ann. But I sure would just like to get the time back!! Thanks for your continued support and thoughtful comments. xo

  2. oh precious friend– i think one of the thousands of reasons i love you so much is that you are able to put feelings and thoughts into words on ‘paper’ that resonate so much with a lot of all of my’ stuff’ and baggage– i find it soooo helpful for my person selfish self to have you in my life — and your amazing ability to connect so honestly and beautifully — I do wish i could make some of your pain/frustration soften …. just know how much you have and always will mean to me and my … surviving and sometimes thriving…

    1. Well I hope you that you know that I feel totally the same way! I don’t know what I would do presently without my small (getting smaller) circle of friends these days. They keep me grounded and here. I often think about the day when I can regroup and maybe take off for somewhere else and how it may be important to be near folks I know and love. Or maybe somewhere that I resonate with for some reason. Looking up my old hometown really set off some deep feelings. It was quite interesting.

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