Distant Shores


When I was a child, there was an ice-cream that I used to get from the truck that would come to the park near where I lived in NYC. It was the Good Humor truck, for those of you who might remember the familiar jingling of bells as it rolled slowly down the streets so the gathering children could get their 25 cents ready. This particular favorite of mine, was called an Eclair I think, because on the outside it had bits and pieces of nuts and maybe little pieces of chocolate; vanilla ice cream was the next layer which made up the largest part of the pop; but best and most special (and the best part) was the secret hunk of icy fudge-like chocolate inside. It wasn’t very big piece, but it was delicious (or so I recall) and had this particular texture that made it worth the wait.

wpid-20141114_080231.jpg

I was never a kid to just bite into the thing just to get to the middle. I would savor the whole thing to make it last and then take my time with the special part. Funny, because I never had much patience in life–but with treasures, I did. Just like how I never tore into Christmas gifts, but would open them throughout the day…(my kids hated this about me).

Someone who has known me for a long time, when I explained where I am  emotionally now and how I am conducting my day-to-day existence, said: that is not you at all! It gave me pause. What is me? Who am I really?

wpid-20141010_181316.jpg

I’ve run most my 60 years in a frenetic and unfocused way; making decisions based on how my mood was or the wind was blowing. It felt like I was making rational choices at the time, but in retrospect, I see now it wasn’t the case at all. Rather I was a sailboat buffeted by the winds trying desperately to steer to the nearest coast. Each shore looked better than the last, but upon reaching them they felt uninhabitable.

Of course this meant those around me were riding those waves too and often were cast overboard. Many drowned, but some found their own lifeboats and floated on to better beaches…thank goodness.

wpid-20150116_162513.jpg

It was nothing intentional. It just happened– it was the way I lived.But there was a part of me that knew it wasn’t working. Seeing the floundering of others hurt me, and my own inability to stand upright on this ever swelling craft was making me ill. At some point the ship must dock–in the deep recesses of my mind I knew this as truth.

So who is really me? I moved away from my comfort and have come to live in a place that is alien and barren to me, a desert devoid of water in which to sail. This was really unconscious on many levels, but I am starting to realize absolutely necessary to answer the question. Many spiritual treks to find ones true self include a time where one goes off on a quest: a solitary walk about or vision quest to discover what is real and what isn’t; what to keep and what to leave behind.

hut

We go through life rather like that Good Humor ice cream pop: multi-layered  with secret parts. Sometimes the secret parts are hidden to even to ourselves. There are bits and pieces we cover ourselves with that have rough edges or appeal, but it’s only the outside, a glamour…the part that faces the world at large. Dig deeper and maybe you will get to the soft part: it is white and can be colored by what we take in through the years we live. It protects the true gift: the sweet, central, secret core. This is the one we work for and may not know for years.

I’m stripping down the layers to find that me. I believe that is the real one, not the one that has faced the world so far. That was a mask I was unaware I wore. I believe my friend had it backward…what she knew was not me; what I am discovering now will be the real person I have had buried within. The visions of her were in my head longing to escape, but were trapped by my own shifting cage.

Someday she will be set free and sail for a place, heading into the sunrise.  Docking at some distant land, she will know with full awareness and clarity, that all will be good.

wpid-0804140538.jpg

 

Advertisements

28 thoughts on “Distant Shores

      1. I’m a mind reader…ha ha. No actually, you can see the name and email of people when you reply to them…if their email address includes their name of course! In fact, I have used some emails to go ‘offline’ with some folks and start a pen-pal situation. It’s been lovely. Just look in the left hand side of the comment. This is true on a computer anyway. xo

      2. I thought it must be something like that! yikes I didn’t know that, I had my email set to private thinking I was anonymous…I could have dumped myself in a massive pile!! I just changed my email, would you mind telling me if its showing differently now? xxxx

  1. This is so beautifully written. Every sentence and phrase gets better and better, deeper and deeper. Imagine if we could all just be ourselves, as you say, the real self underneath all the layers? What a wonderful world it would be.

    1. Thanks Kim. That is an interesting thought… do you truly believe everyone’s true self would make the world wonderful? I am maybe less of an optimist than you. I, sadly, have become less trusting and more disappointed in humans over the years. I’m not sure the reason we have become so broken, but I do feel that because of it, at our inner truths, many awful things are found. So when these manifest themselves in the ‘real world’…then bad things happen. Sorry to be so negative. I’m glad there are hopeful people like you and I am trying to be more like this…it is part of my journey within, to recapture faith in humankind and figure out why I lost it. xo

      1. I do believe that we are mostly all fundamentally good and that this world makes us less so, that our egos and fears mask our true selves. With that said, I also believe that perhaps some people are fundamentally bad and infected with evil.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s