The black bird flies low
Harbinger of things to come
Pecking at the ground
Pulling last years seed
From the cold dead ground he picks
Eating stone and ice
Soon I will fly too!
Should I be wrong when I leave
Then I will eat crow…
Why is it that some good relationships/friendships recover from difficulties and some just crumble to dust? It’s a question I’ve asked myself over the years as marriages, friendships and even just work relationships have come and gone.
I suppose there are many answers to this question, the primary reason being that it starts with the two people involved and how committed they are in making everything work. That old saying: it takes two, in this case, it is really true. While one may very much want a marriage or friendship to continue on well into the future, if the other person does not, there isn’t much chance of survival.
It has to take both parties wanting to see success, but even that may not produce it. With all of us having different personalities and communication skills, it becomes sometimes impossible to see things from a point of view that allows discussion in the first place. If one party (or both) feels wounded or betrayed, then this adds a whole new layer. One emotion may produce another like anger. And then communication, which may initially start out well, breaks down.
But there may simply be the case where one party has no interest in talking at all or trying to mend any bridges. I recall in High School taking an English class and practicing some impromptu dialogues. The teacher told us if someone asks you a question and your answer is no, then that will be the end of the conversation. Yes, always produces a continued chance for more communication.
It’s always been easy for me to talk (sometimes too much). I admit my listening skills could use some work. So someone who isn’t as good at conversing may find my style of trying to make things right, quite overbearing. This is where two styles may clash and instead of making things better, only serve to widen the gap.
My hope is always to create peace and to keep friendships. Obviously this isn’t always possible. I’m left feeling empty and confused when someone leaves my life or we couldn’t figure out a solution. It always baffles me. There have been dear friends that stop talking with no explanation. Or lost friendships that I’ve struggled within myself to try to understand what went wrong.
Looking back on the friendship or the marriage becomes painful. You wonder if the good times or the love was real. Memories of laughter or times shared compared to the present opposing feelings leave one dazed.
Time eventually heals us all. But there are always reminders of these people and the moments shared. One can’t just cut them out of our hearts–at least I can’t. Sometimes they come back around to us after everything has settled. Sometimes there is a glimmer of the good things on which to grow new memories. Some of us can forgive for the sake of joy. And because forgiveness is one of the best medicines we can give ourselves to make our lives more at peace.
Feeling rather like this bud waiting to crack open, this new adventure feels more like it’s keeping me closed up than bursting with joy. I’ve been wrestling with why this would be so and I’m not sure I’ve gotten to the heart of it yet. Surely I know some of the reasons, but some are looming deep within me.
Any change for someone who is OCD can be challenging. Moving even the simplest of things can set me off into a sweat and frenzy, so moving a whole household has me awake at night with chest pain. I try to counter act this with dreaming of palm trees and a smaller home that will be easier to manage. But this is quickly overwhelmed by thoughts of tossing, sorting, packing, organizing and generally living in utter chaos for who knows how long. Ugh.
And there’s also the uncertainty of finding a buyer and being told how low I must sell my house. This only reminded me of my mistake of how much I paid for it, how much I invested in it and how many poor decisions I made. Yes, yes…I did have many years of happiness there and I loved my home. But all things being equal–it was a silly decision to move there.
But one of the most painful things for me is work and the betrayal I feel there. The countless years I put in, the co-workers I tried to help and how I feel it just wasn’t noticed. Even beyond that–people are glad to see me go in some back-handed way. I’m not dumb enough to think that everyone can be replaced. I’m just another paramedic. Another one will come and do the same job I did. It saddens me though that I did do special things for people, things that most wouldn’t have done. They will let you walk away like it’s all nothing. This is simply the way of the world now.
Of course I will be leaving countless friends and putting behind a life that didn’t pan out. And my two daughters that will be still here. And memories. It’s been a very hard 20 years here. Somehow it seems to be trying to purge itself from me like some parasite. While it’s wiggling its way out of me, I’m having a hard time seeing the greener grasses.
No doubt those days will come. As they come closer, as I have a closing date, as the boxes get packed and I pick a place to live and it all becomes real. But for now I feel pained. Hurting for all the missed connections, the friendships that should have been and failed, the marriage that ended, the career that brought so much disappointment, the men that came and went and the place that just never felt like home. I’m in mourning for these losses and look forward to when my grief will end and I can fully immerse myself in my future.